Alright time to break out my first throwaway. First I'm really happy you are doing this AMA because I have some questions, and would love your insight.
As a child I was molested by a close family member. It was all very confusing and hard to understand as a child. At first it was showing me his member, I remember closing my eyes and hoping he would leave. After he went down on me, I immediately told someone (I mean right after it happened). I knew it was wrong and I knew it was just going to get worse if I didn't say something. I remember going to talk with someone about it, and had to point on a photo of where I was touched and with what part. I pointed to the crotch of the dummy, and the mouth.
I was so embarrased and ashamed of myself. I had an orgasm and that's what confused me most. I didn't know what it was and I felt disgusted with myself. I spent many years repressing the thoughts of it and when my parents asked me if I remembered 'an event long ago' I pretended not to know what they were talking about. I thought it would bring them pain to know that they failed to protect me as parents. (Years later I did end up telling my mother that I remembered
what happened).
I don't recall the age I was, or other events that may have occurred although I do believe that was the only time touching was involved. I spent a huge part of my childhood trying not to think about what happened and really black out the memories.
As I got older, and started getting sexual with boyfriends, I knew I had to face my fears and really come to terms with what happened. I've spent the past few years telling that little girl in me that it wasn't her fault for what happened.
Now that I'm older (24) I have a hard time masturbating without afterwards feeling guilty that I had an orgasm. I also have a hard time allowing my partner to go down on me (it usually never happens). I also suffer from really bad anxiety (in general), and panic attacks (I'm not sure if it's related to being molested).
Every guy I've been intimate with knows what happened to me, and I think it's good to be open and talk about it for me to heal.
Mostly I just want to know if you have any advice on how to get over the shame and guilt I feel when I orgasm.
TL;DR was molested as a child, experienced an orgasm, repressed the event and now feel guilt when I orgasm (years later)
timefora_throwaway78 karma
Alright time to break out my first throwaway. First I'm really happy you are doing this AMA because I have some questions, and would love your insight.
As a child I was molested by a close family member. It was all very confusing and hard to understand as a child. At first it was showing me his member, I remember closing my eyes and hoping he would leave. After he went down on me, I immediately told someone (I mean right after it happened). I knew it was wrong and I knew it was just going to get worse if I didn't say something. I remember going to talk with someone about it, and had to point on a photo of where I was touched and with what part. I pointed to the crotch of the dummy, and the mouth.
I was so embarrased and ashamed of myself. I had an orgasm and that's what confused me most. I didn't know what it was and I felt disgusted with myself. I spent many years repressing the thoughts of it and when my parents asked me if I remembered 'an event long ago' I pretended not to know what they were talking about. I thought it would bring them pain to know that they failed to protect me as parents. (Years later I did end up telling my mother that I remembered what happened).
I don't recall the age I was, or other events that may have occurred although I do believe that was the only time touching was involved. I spent a huge part of my childhood trying not to think about what happened and really black out the memories.
As I got older, and started getting sexual with boyfriends, I knew I had to face my fears and really come to terms with what happened. I've spent the past few years telling that little girl in me that it wasn't her fault for what happened.
Now that I'm older (24) I have a hard time masturbating without afterwards feeling guilty that I had an orgasm. I also have a hard time allowing my partner to go down on me (it usually never happens). I also suffer from really bad anxiety (in general), and panic attacks (I'm not sure if it's related to being molested).
Every guy I've been intimate with knows what happened to me, and I think it's good to be open and talk about it for me to heal.
Mostly I just want to know if you have any advice on how to get over the shame and guilt I feel when I orgasm.
TL;DR was molested as a child, experienced an orgasm, repressed the event and now feel guilt when I orgasm (years later)
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