thestiproject

You are not at all alone! The only people you have to tell are people who you intend to be sexually active with, so if your best friend and mom aren't safe outlets for that type of personal information, then you absolutely don't have to tell them. I've had both good and bad experiences telling friends and family, and if you aren't ready to handle a negative response from them, then I would wait until you feel stronger in your resolve, in your status, and what that means for you!

I mean, if fucking someone in the middle of the supermarket is your thing, then I'm not going to yuck your yum! ;)

But for real, though, I can see why you might feel like it's disingenuous, so I'll add context here. The vast majority of all sexually active people contract an STI at some point in their lives. And when I say the vast majority, I mean, well over 80%. So, as much as we socially shun STIs and contracting any kind of infection, really, but STIs, in particular, it's a highly likely scenario.

Let's look at the numbers. There are over 30+ STIs (according to the World Health Organization), and many of those you cannot be tested for. You can get "full" STI panels done regularly, test negative for the infections on those panels, and still have an unknown STI - that's quite common. For instance, a person who has a penis cannot be tested for HPV. If you are a person who has a penis, the only way to know if you have HPV is if you have signs or symptoms, and the majority of all HPV infections are asymptomatic. What that boils down to is that if you are sexually active, there's no way to know 100% for sure that you are negative for all infections.

Still, there will be some who agree with your take, or maybe you're playing devil's advocate here, which is also ok, and the reason they feel that way is related to a couple of factors, but primarily the psychology of disgust. First their level of disgust sensitivity might be higher. The psychology of disgust both dictates how the public feels about STIs (ew, they're yucky) and also why so many people decide that it's not a big deal and the risk is worth the reward.

No one gets to decide for you or gets to coerce you into making a decision about risk - that's a very personal decision - and I'm certainly not trying to tell you that you SHOULD consider sexual activities with someone who has a known infection, but I am saying that in many instances, the person who knows their positive status is relatively "safer" than the person who assumes they don't have anything...

I think everyone has the right to make their own decisions about their body and the risks they're willing to take. Of course, all partnered sexual activities contain some level of risk, but everyone feels differently about different risks, and that can even change from relationship to relationship.

Sometimes, rejection comes as a result of folx who don't really understand their relevant risks - they feel like the people who "don't have" or don't know they have an STI are "safer," and that's typically due to a lack of comprehensive sex education (the vast majority of us get crap sex ed), but again, I still believe in honoring that decision, because no one wants a new infection of any kind (I don't want a cold or the flu), but unfortunately, pathogens are part of the human experience!

I love this question! Herpes hasn't impacted my sex life AT ALL! This is not always the case for everyone, but I've never had a partner not want to be with me because of my status. I recently asked my husband on camera if he thought about herpes while we were having sex (I know, it's an awkward question), and he said absolutely not, like I was nuts! But I intentionally asked him, because I wanted to prove the point that it's usually a non-issue once folx decide they're interested in pursuing a relationship (of any kind)!

Nope! I mean, it literally has never impacted my sex life. When I was single, it didn't limit or change the amount of sexual activity I was able to enjoy, when I've had a partner, it hasn't impeded on our relationship, and even once I became a public advocate, much to my surprise, it actually INCREASED the amount of people who landed in my DMs (that's how I met my husband)!