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slyfingers57 karma

From my perspective as a father who lost his son at 17 weeks just two weeks ago, not well.

My wife’s sister is a midwife, and was quite adept at helping her. Even got her a little stuffed lamb weighted to be the same weight as our son to hold. She also got my wife a beautiful necklace with a place to store a bit of our sons ashes when we get him back from the crematorium. When they presented it to her at dinner and I started crying, we made eye contact and in her ten year career I don’t think she had ever connected with a mans grief before then. To her credit, she apologized that they didn’t get anything to me, and in a later conversation she said she will be handling things for men better in the future in her professional capacity. I think most people focus on the loss of the birth parent and combine that with most partners being men and society’s general treatment of male emotions/vulnerability, it creates a space for the non birthing partner to get forgotten about.

slyfingers50 karma

Haiku must have five

syllables, seven, then five.

Or not.

slyfingers39 karma

“Like all parents im proud of my child, she didnt breathe on this earth but im proud of her and love her unconditionally.”

I think that is something that many people miss. My son is real, and even though he was stillborn, for seventeen weeks he was a part of my life. I had the joy (and pain) of holding him after my wife delivered. I got to hold his hand, touch his face, kiss him and tell him I loved him. I still love him. I think a lot of people want to dismiss loss and grief, and miss that aspect. Up until two weeks ago I was the same way.

slyfingers22 karma

My wife and I lost our son to a miscarriage at 17 weeks. One thing I have found tha makes a big difference for me is in phrasing.

People who say “What can I do to help?” annoy the hell out of me. It makes me think and puts the onus of giving an immediate answer. The people who say “if you need anything, I am here for you when and where you need it” however is much easier to receive. The one thing I want (my son) no one can give me, but phrasing it like that lets me have my space without putting an obligation on me in that moment.

In my experience there really isn’t a right thing to say. Two weeks ago, I had no clue what to say. Two weeks after it happened, I still don’t know. But people who give me space to talk at my pace, let me laugh when I need to laugh and let me cry when I need to cry have been the best.

slyfingers9 karma

My wife and I lost our son at 17 weeks on 9/11 this year. As if that day wasn’t shitty enough as it is already.

My experience is that most people are wonderful about being supportive of her, she has multiple people checking in on her, reaching out to her, providing emotional support, and the like. Everyone’s interactions with me, however, are along the lines of “you’re doing so great being there for her through this” with only two people reaching out to me specifically about me and my emotions in this process. Everyone else that has reached out has asked about her only (90%) or asking about me was an afterthought (10%) or at the end of the conversation with “you’re doing ok, right?”

We’re your experiences similar, and were you able to find resources specifically for the partner of the birth parent? Most of the things I am finding are geared towards the woman’s experience and the challenges that the birth parent faces, with very little help available for the partners. Also if you have links to resources on the national (US) or state/local (Texas/Dallas area) levels, that would be very helpful.

I have found that my two close female friends have been wonderful when I opened up to them, and yoga has been great in letting emotions out. I’m doing ok, but we’ve been out of state with her family and are headed back home now. I’m concerned about dealing with things when I go back to work and through the coming weeks and months.