santoniusmurillo

I was talking to OP about this via DM. There's a lot of reasons that went into it, but here's a summary.

• The more traditional, practicing Catholics I knew were also very conservative. I found myself becoming racist, pro-imperialist, snarky and cruel towards those who were different from me. Also as a woman, the lack of respect from some people for women, especially those who had lost their virginity before marriage such as myself, made me very uncomfortable.
• I found the Catholic lifestyle difficult to maintain (eg. no masturbation, dressing sexily, astrology or raunchy music, which are four things I very much enjoy). The constant cycle of tension, "giving up" and then feeling guilty and afraid was exhausting for me.
• The method of Catholic repentance involves examination of the conscience, feeling guilty and going to Confession. This process really affected me and caused me to become scrupulous and anxious and basically passively suicidal. I cried in excess and was constantly guilty and afraid of hell and also suffering in purgatory, even after Confession.
• In the end, I was just so tense and miserable I decided to "have a break" from practicing Catholicism. I eventually found different ways to express my spirituality and a different way of viewing the world.

I just want to say that Catholicism is an amazing, fruitful faith with a lot of important lessons. Not everyone in Catholicism is racist or misogynistic, and a lot of people can practice the faith by the book without being riddled with anxiety like I was. It's what you make it, really. I respect Catholicism and I still love it's history, culture, art and practices and infuse the "Catholic attitude" into my life now as an atheist. But I don't think it's likely I'll ever return to the full fulfilment of those Catholic precepts.

I was a N.O girl until I spent some time with some SSPX nuns and experienced a TLM low mass. Then I couldn't go back to bongo drums and guitars, lol. Eventually I tempered and now enjoy a choral N.O mass with plenty of latin. No hand-holding during the Our Father, please! We sound like we have similar tastes.

As an atheist-turned-Catholic-turned-atheist, enjoy your time in the Church. I learned a lot about myself during my time within Catholicism and still am very attached to a lot of the things I learnt and experienced.

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Question for you: are you a Novus Ordo or a TLM kinda guy? Any involvement with the FSSP or the SSPX?

You're right, it was too hard. I've read these quotes plenty of times before. Thanks for the advice but I know what choice I've made.

I find it calming, centring and humbling.