problemsihavethem

I have no real family at this moment. My father died when I was eight years old, my mother is an abusive alcoholic and my sister rarely speaks to me.

I want to stop talking to my mother and end our relationship as family. I hate her, really. She has ruined my life and I have panic attacks every day because of her. She have beaten me and told everybody when I used to hit her back (as a really young child) that I was a monster and she couldn't handle me. The only reason I hit her back was in self defence because she taught me that hurting each other was okay, since she hit me every day. Everybody that I knew, relatives, neighbours, teachers, friends, were scared of me. I haven't had a real education because of her. At one point she starved me because she ran off and got drunk for months. I am 19 years old and she never calls me because finally she understands that she only makes things worse.

I want to end our relationship. I never want to see her face again or hear her voice again. But everyone I've spoken to about this says I shouldn't do that and "she's still my mother". But she haven't been my mother since my father died. She have hurt me in so many ways and I don't want to build up a stong confidence in myself and then let her ruin it once more. Pshychiatrists at school, friends and grown ups I've trusted have all said that I will regret it and that she is an important part of my life. But the days when I practically forget that she exists is the best days of my life..

Is it wrong of me that I never want to see her again? I feel that it's the only way to let me become my own person and not her slave and punching bag.

I have told her several times that I don't want to speak to her and that she doesn't belong in my life. But before I moved to the other side of the country I had to meet her on different occations to pick up stuff from her apartment. She always asked if we could do things, maybe have a cup of tea or go to the movies. But every time I said yes she'd cancel last minute and end up going to some random guys' place instead. The last time we met she cried and said she hasn't been a good mother. But that wasn't the first time. Every single time "we" had a fight she did the same. But she never stopped.

I feel like it's the right thing to do, not to have contact anymore. But since all of the people I've asked had said that I shouldn't break it with her I get more scared that they are right and I should just forgive her. But I feel like they don't understand most of the time. They aren't the ones that have had their whole childhood and life taked away and destroyed by that one single person..