princessgiuliaricci

Well, I decided to speak out as soon as I learned about the domestic violence allegations. I should be clear that Augustus never hurt me physically—his ex-fiancée Victoria, with whom he was also involved during the time we were close, is the person who alleged that he was committing domestic violence against her. After I'd stopped talking to Augustus, she contacted me in the middle of the night because she saw a note on his calendar that said "ANNIHILATE VICTORIA." She was afraid for her life, and told me about everything he had done. (There is audio of her describing it here: https://soundcloud.com/alexandria-fanella-brown/victoria-rices-statement )

That was when I decided to speak out—right from the very moment I knew. As a domestic violence survivor myself, I knew that I couldn't just sit by and watch this happen to a 19-year old girl, even if I loved Augustus very much.

I actually never dominated Augustus in a sexual sense (though I felt I did so when we argued philosophy sometimes). I was very submissive in relation to him, so if anything he called me pet names, not vice versa. However, I did sometimes have the urge to call him on the phone and just repeat his name over and over in the voice of a pro wrestling announcer or a metal singer. Try saying it in that voice—it's pretty great.

Yes we did. It was a non-monogamous relationship, and she and I were friends. Later on in the relationship, he became more committed to Victoria—they were going to get married—so any time I was intimate with him, she would also be present. I never felt I was competing with her, though. We played very different roles.

It was a complicated process. Technically, once I learned that he was a fascist, I didn't see him in person again—and once I learned he was allegedly committing domestic violence, I knew I had to expose him. At the same time, that was a decision based on ethical principle, and it didn't immediately change my feelings for Augustus. So I wavered back and forth a lot—for several months, I would continue to text message or e-mail him when I got drunk, even though I had asked my lawyer to tell Augustus never to contact me again. I would tell him I loved him, or apologize, or just talk to him about whatever was on my mind, because I missed him. But I also continued to fight that impulse in order to make it clear that I did not endorse his alleged violence.

That fight was very important to me even in relation to my friendship with Augustus. I felt that I owed it to him as a friend, on some level, not to let him sink so low as to beat a girl, and to hold him accountable in some way. Nietzsche says that you should not necessarily always show compassion to a friend just because they are your friend, and that is how I feel about the situation that unfolded with Augustus.

Thanks for asking this. Knowing Augustus allowed me to begin to process the death of my father, because Augustus played a paternal role for me in my father's absence, and because Augustus' personality reminded me of my father. It's cliché, but he allowed me to feel like I was a child again in some ways, in the sense that I felt okay just as I was and unconditionally accepted by him. This is an elusive experience for me, since as a former child prodigy I felt I lost out on childhood and always had to prove my worth via great achievements. I felt that I was able to simply be myself—and be a woman—in relation to Augustus, and that was good enough. He also was a great source of artistic inspiration, for reasons that I don't fully understand, which probably are mostly subconscious. In any case, I have been able to carry what I experienced with him into my everyday life today, even though he is absent from my life now. I am grateful for that.

I also believe he has mental illness, and I believe that some of the bad things he does are a result of that in a way that is beyond his conscious control. Thus, while I condemn any domestic violence he may have committed, reject his politics, and continue to fight against him in the actual world, in the abstract, I also don't bear him any ill will and I feel some compassion for him and the demons he must struggle with. I think of him sort of like a big cat or another type of apex predator. You're not angry at them necessarily, you just need to contain their threat and otherwise stay the hell out of their way.