parkerpencarkeys

Honestly, being friendly. I'm a relatively optimistic guy and come in to most treatment/appointments with a smile one and it's nice when the nurses respond in kind. I don't want pity, just a genuine conversation about how I'm doing etc. Also honesty, often people try to change conversations but I feel I can be frank with the nurses and say when I'm feeling awful and they're happy to chat and not try to change the subject. And I must say all the nurses I've been treated by have been great at this.

It's pretty intense but the long and short of it is: 1) they harvest my t cells through a process called aphoresis. Essentially a tube in a vein going in to a fancy machine and I sat a waited for a few hours. 2) some very clever people genetically modify my t cells to target a specific protein in the cancer 3) I have chemo to destroy my immune system 4) they put the cells back in me 5) hope for the best

I woke up one day and had a big lump in my leg. It was bizzare, like a swelling. At first thats what my doctor thought it was, an ultrasound and MRI later showed what it was. Other than that I had no symptoms. I guess thinking back maybe I had a numb ankle from where it may have been pressing on a nerve but can't say for sure. They don't know how long it had been there but my the time we found it, it was roughly 500ml in volume!

When I was a child I was terrified of death, like staying awake at night thinking about it terrified. But now I've accepted it. Like it's going to happen and there's nothing we can do about it. I'm more sad about missing out on things. Like who knows how much I'll see if my son's life. That makes me sad, but the actual concept of death doesn't worry me so much. It's so hard to actually grasp though, like what is it?

To me it's probably just nothingness. But what even is that. The best way I can think about nothing is what is beyond your vision, it's not 'black' behind your head, it's just, nothing. But who knows maybe there's something or maybe when you die your brain goes in to over drive and you have crazy dreams for what seems like an eternity?!

Tbh I have down moments of course but generally I'm happy. I love my life, I've got an amazing wife and son, great friends and day to day I have a good time! I eat good food, watch good movies and enjoy my life as much as anyone else. I don't dwell, no point in that!