oneupdouchebag

Hey Thom, I just wanted to thank you and the rest of the band for really embracing Middle America. You guys have played a number of shows in Kansas City, mostly with the support of the radio station 96.5 The Buzz (who started playing you guys long before anyone else in the area). I was so excited when I heard about “An American Wave” being shot at the Midland. KC has a hugely under-appreciated music scene, which people far too often overlook. We’re not just flyover country! It really means a lot to the community when a group that has really blown up like you guys shows us some love. I can’t wait to see you guys in September at Buzz Beach Ball!

Anyway, I did want to ask you specifically one question. What inspired you to decide to play without cymbals on your set? I think it adds to your distinct sound by forcing you to utilize things like tambourines and cowbells in unique and interesting ways, but I was just wondering if you had any particular reasoning behind it.

Hi Kluwe, thanks for doing this AMA. I’ve been a huge fan of the Raiders for over 12 years now, ever since I was old enough to really understand the game. I was pumped when I heard you got picked up by the Raiders, as you’ve quickly become on my favorite players in the league with the work you’ve done.

It goes without saying that being a Raiders fan hasn’t exactly been easy lately. What with the disappointing last decade, ever-changing coaching staff, JaMarcus, playoff drought, having to play the ugly ass Broncos twice a year, /r/nfl stabbing jokes, wearing black in the summer heat, having dirt on our field, having to babysit Philip Rivers twice a year, tuck rule, Al Davis, Mark Davis’s haircut, being stereotyped as a criminal just for wearing a Raiders shirt, and having to deal with Chiefs fans twice a year. Still, I think I can speak for most of Raider Nation when I say we are excited by what the next few seasons will bring. We have full faith in Reggie to turn this team around, and we’ve been slowly acquiring the talent needed to be successful while also dumping the dead weight and bad attitudes that have perpetuated this mess for so long.

With Lechler gone, the last real connection this team has with its winning ways is Sebastian Janikowski, which is why he has become my favorite Raider. When Nike released the new jerseys, his was the only one I had faith in dropping $100+ on. I think he perfectly captures what it means to be an Oakland Raider: Sure he’s had trouble with the law in the past and might have what some would call a “drinking problem”, but he’s incredibly successful, has a nice bald head, and is a goddamn kicking beast. He has been the one consistent part of the Raiders for me since I’ve been a fan. I’ve seen him single handedly win games for us with his monster leg. I’ll never forget when I watched him boot his 63 yarder to get into the record books a couple seasons ago.

I’m sorry I just spent your AMA talking about a different Oakland Raiders’ special team machine, that’s probably a massive slap in your face. I could also go on about Condo, but I don’t want to make you too jealous. I hope you understand where I’m coming from when I say that as a diehard Raiders fan, the snapper/holder/kicker trifecta is really important to me.

^. So please don’t fuck this up, or I will stab you.

^. Really. Your first job in my eyes is to hold for Sebass, because I never want to have to see you punt ever (although I’m definitely thankful you’re good at that part of your job too). Lechler was a great punter, and if it wasn’t for that other Guy, he would have definitely been the greatest punter in Raiders history by far. However, what people too often fail to give him credit for were his incredibly consistent holds. Condo-Lechler-Janikowski was a well-oiled machine that was effectively flawless. This season we’re replacing that middle cog with a Kluwe, and although Condo-Kluwe-Janikowski would be alright for any other team, this is the Oakland Raiders, and “alright” when it comes to our kicking game is not alright.

^. That being said, I'm going all out here:

1) Janikowski will be your third kicker in as many years, and your first left footer*. Has it been difficult getting used to holding for different players, especially a lefty?

2) You’ve held for some pretty solid kickers so far, but I was just wondering if it feels any different holding for a massive man like Janikowski as opposed to that little punk Walsh? I mean for real, is that kid even 200 pounds?

3) Because I feel bad about focusing on other players, uh, how’s the punting going?

4) How do you expect the non-Internet Raider Nation to react to your outspokenness? I’m sure some Vikings fans who disagreed with you probably disliked hearing about you in the media, but let’s be real, Minnesotans are all pretty nice. Has the threat of the crazy Raiders fans hating you (thus directly putting your life in danger) made you reconsider how vocal you will be about your opinions? I for one think it’s refreshing to read the things you put out, but then again, I generally agree with them all.

5) Please give rookie Tyler Wilson a noogie or something to let you wear #8 for at least one game. This is your chance to go full Ray Guy out there. If switching numbers for a week is against the rules, feel free to give Wilson a noogie anyway.

I live right outside KC, so I can’t wait until you guys come to Arrowhead. It will actually be the day after my 21st birthday, so I will be the obnoxious jackass in a Janikowski jersey getting wasted on $20 beer. Feel free to come hang out when on defense or something.