nikwasi

I’m a former foster kid who mostly lived in group homes as a teen so I’d like to add a few things:

-get yourself and your partner & anyone else in your household into therapy of some sort before, during, and after the process of being a foster family. Adjustment Disorder is just as real for y’all as it is for the foster kid. It also allows y’all an outlet & sounding board with a neutral party who is not invested n making the foster situation work.

-Allow the kid to explore. This can mean a lot of things, but a lot of kids with trauma are afraid and anxious about what may seem frivolous or random to you. For example, when I was finally placed with my adoptive family, I did not accept that when my mom said I could have whatever food I wanted at the grocery she meant it. I felt like it was a test of some kind. The family had 3 teenage boys who had free reign of the fridge who had never experienced scarcity of any kind while I had previously lived in a group home with locks on the fridge & pantry with no input into meal planning or preparation, before that I had experienced a lot of food instability in my birth family. Allow kids to safely question boundaries and assert themselves. After awhile I learned how to trust them and allow myself to choose what cereal I wanted to have or ask for certain meals. Allow them to pick out their sheets or what their school supplies look like. It doesn’t have to be a risky thing, just allow them to learn who they are and what they prefer in a supportive way.

-Support them maintaining ties to their families of origin and other people who have mattered to them in their pre-you lives. Also allow them to assert boundaries with those people and have a say in who, when, and where that happens if they want to keep in touch. If you are able, consider taking siblings. Also accept that people can love people who have caused them harm and you can’t change that. All you can do is model healthy relationships for them.

-Don’t expect everything to be all good. Your home and presence will not fix all the problems a child has before the come into your life. Sometimes they may never fully overcome these things depending on the problem. You should aim to make your home a place where foster kids are safe, accepted, and supported so they can work through the majority of their trauma with licensed professionals and get as full of an education as they are able. Or an advocate for them, not a savior. When I got adopted my new family thought giving me physical safety and stability in my living situation would eliminate my trauma and depression. When that didn’t happen, the dad took it as a personal failure and it bred resentment. He began to view me as a project for his wife, almost like a doll because they never had a daughter, and when I went to college his support of her investment in me dwindled. The whole process was just another trauma for me and as an adult I’ve had to work through that rejection and accept the state of the relationship with my adoptive family.

Lastly, thank you for considering being a foster parent. There are not enough families to place kids with and it’s really important that y’all talk about your decision with other stable and emotionally capable people in your life. Everything else that has been said by others is also pretty spot on.

He also played an archeologist who is a psychometrist in Vibes.

My brother had the same issue with his therapists- a new one every 6 months to a year, while I had the same therapist from 6-14. Our adulthood has turned out very different and I honestly think a huge part of it was that he lacked the ability to form trust with his therapists and was always acclimating to new ones and feeling rejected when they moved on to whatever was next for them. I’m a foster kid “success” and he is not. It breaks my heart that he never got the therapeutic relationship that I did, but there was nothing I could do about it at the same time.

As someone who lived in a religious group home, I agree with a good bit of this. Watch out for people who seem too good to be true in some form or fashion. Anyone who is too nice or chummy is possibly grooming kids or families to be exploited in some way.

This. I aged out of CHIP and had no stable health insurance for years which meant I couldn’t continue on my meds or seek other mental health treatment. Also, filing for independent status for financial aid is so frustrating and I was so relieved when I finally hit 24 and didn’t have to deal with that part of the process anymore.