neapologist

Thanks for the advice! My church friends actually do claim to have a magic wand that sets everything right - faith in God. And I've tried to do all the stuff they do, and learn all the things they know, but I'm still dealing with dysphoria and cognitive dissonance. And then I feel like I'm a bad person because I can't just accept the things they accept. For example, my church is doing a big push to get everyone involved in small groups, and they consider me a "leader" in the community, and wanted me to lead one. But in order to lead one, they're requiring everyone to sign a contract to believe in certain things, and do certain things, and I just can't sign it in honesty. But then I feel like they would just say I'm being lazy.

I've thought about looking into a secular community, but it seems like the one here spends most of its time attacking Ken Ham's creation "museum" and new "ark park". And though all of my friends know I straight up reject the Noah story as fiction, they would get mad if I started actively attacking those who do believe it. I do find that when I'm away from church people and with atheists, I end up agreeing with them on many things. So maybe you're right.

I definitely need to find a therapist, but my community is pushing me toward one who is considered one of the better ones in the city. Like he works with the police department a lot and everything. But he is a part of the church community, so he comes from that world view. The psychologist I was seeing for my gender issues is an atheist who attends a UU church, but people talked me out of seeing her because she was actively encouraging me to stop going to church.

I think what makes the cognitive dissonance worse is the little asterisk that goes along with being a Christian - that if you end up walking away, you will go to hell and burn for eternity. I already cannot believe that a loving God would send most of the people who ever lived to hell - even the good ones. But I know the Christian argument to that is the whole "none are good, not one" thing. That's what sucks - I know the apologetics as well as the counterapologetics. And it's like a constant battle in the mind. Except if the apologetics side is right, and I don't go that way, I burn.

Thanks again for the advice - I'll definitely work on this. Maybe I can get back in and see my original psychologist.

Thanks!

What advice would you give to someone who deals with some sometimes crushing cognitive dissonance?

I lost my faith and left mormonism, but after about a decade ended up attending a non-denominational megachurch. I still know many of the arguments against religion, and ways that the bible is contradicted by itself and by evidence. But at the same time, I have a great community there, and most of my friends are part of that church. I've seen a lot of weird things in my life, and my church community says those things are God, but then I'm torn between that and what I know to be fact - such as there could not have been a literal Adam and Eve.

To make things worse, I've been diagnosed with gender identity disorder by two different psychologists (under DSM IV), but my church (and the religious people in my family) says I just need to pick up my cross and follow Jesus and live as my birth gender. And life is easier in a way when I try to "conceal, don't feel" - but mostly because it just decreases instances of people being mean to me. I can only go six months or so before the dysphoria starts weighing down on me pretty hard. I was two years into transition, and had even legally changed my name, and they talked me into reverting. So there's depression around that. And the ongoing cognitive dissonance from me engaging with community which tells me that what I am is wrong.

It seems like the short answer would be to just abandon everything and be myself, but in reality life is much more complicated. Is there any hope in a situation like that?