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melissaurban244 karma

I reassert my "no gift exchanges" every year, although with most people at this point, it's understood. This year, we told our families "we'll drive down for either Thanksgiving or Christmas, but not both" because I have been exhausted making the four-hour drive each way with the kid, the dog, and all of our stuff twice in a month-long period. We're staying home this year and plan on enjoying an actual vacation.

melissaurban197 karma

This is tough, because unless you can find a compromise, you won't be able to effectively set boundaries with your families as a couple. There is almost always a compromise, though. If your partner thinks it's important that their family be able to drop by whenever they want, without needing to ask first, but you'd strongly prefer they call so as not to be disruptive, perhaps your compromise is, "If they come by without calling and it's not a good time for me, I'll say hello but feel no obligation to entertain or visit with them, and if you're not home, I may not answer the door if it's not a good time." If one of you likes to socialize with family far more often, maybe it's, "I'll come to family dinner once a week, but not every week," or "I'll come for Saturday morning coffee, but I may only stay a half-hour." I have a few conversation tactics in the book as well, but ultimately it's about finding a set of limits you can both live with, so you can enforce them effectively.

melissaurban195 karma

The first year, some people bought me gifts anyway. I told them, "Thanks, but I was serious--no gifts this year." I left them unopened, didn't bring any for them, and ended up donating them after the holiday. The next year, people didn't get me anything, as requested. My mom asked that first year, "Instead of buying you something, can I make a charitable donation in your name?" I loved that compromise so she does that every year.

melissaurban167 karma

That they're about telling other people what to do. Boundaries don't tell others what to do, they tell others what YOU are willing to do to keep yourself safe and healthy.

Also, that they're selfish, cold, or mean. Boundaries are a gift to your relationships. They say, "Hey, I have this limit, and you probably didn't even realize you were overstepping it. Rather than not say anything and show up resentfully or avoid you, I'm going to communicate clearly and kindly, and invite you to meet me in this limit so our relationship stays open and trusting, and feels good for both of us."

Finally, that clear, direct communication is rude, harsh, or somehow impolite. Rude is rude. Direct doesn't automatically equal rude. As Brene Brown says, clear is kind. What's not kind is expecting people to read our minds, then getting mad at them for doing the thing they didn't know we didn't want them to do.

melissaurban137 karma

Okay, I hear this. But hear me out--they said no gifts. You held to no gifts. You took them at their word and trusted they meant what they said, which is a healthy communication dynamic. You're NTA here, so you don't have to carry their judgment around.