lonesomememer

first&foremost DM me so I can keep contact. But its just kinda hard knowing that if they are up there (i beleive that they are tho) and watching over me, they saw all the gross stuff ive done, eman stuff, illegal stuff, and etc... I mean I hang with gang members, if i was caught i couldve been a felon more tiems I can count, im failing in life... They aint proud. I want to have the strength to have the will to do schoolwork, i rly do. You ever think about them wtaching over u doing all ur stuff they wouldnt be proud of, and then kidna.. cringe to say the least

Grief sucks. This is crazy i was just thinkign about grief. I miss my dad. I miss my grandma, she was like my mom because she literally was.. Its just so fucked up. Sometimes you wont have any emotion around the death of ur loved one, then itll hit you like a fucking plane. Im only 15 bruhbut these emotions are intense.

MY grandpa i live with is coughing 24/7, hes sleeping more, and eating less, and his grammar is more poor. Hes already had multiple srtokes. My dad overdosed and died earlier this year on july. My grandma died when i was 10. I mean seomtimes I just stop giving a fuck and look up to god and try and just let him control because last time I did he didnt do me wrong... but.. Its just missing the feeling you had when you were with that person..

Missing the way you used to view the world when they were still alive.. Missing the way you used to think, operate, and how different things were when they were alive. Then you consider that they if they were depresesd as fuck, or if they were ur parent, they prolly went through what you went through when they were your age, which just makes it worse. But the hardest part? Accepting thtat they arent coming back... Coping with that god awful "empty" feeling of pain in your chest.... Because they really arent coming back.. You cant hug them, talk to them, ask for advice, create/ new memories, and thinking about old memories becomes hard because of the emotion it brings, especially if you have some sort of mental issues such as depression or bipolar or stuff around that spectrum..

I just think in my head... Is heaven real? I think it is personally but if it is... IS my grandma talking to her son (my dad) up there? ITs so sad. I hope that my dad can rejoice and get the happiness he never could, and talk to my grandma... I really do hope so. I just want him to hvae a conversation with my grandma, bceause Im sure that he missed his mom more than anything while he was still alive. Its the shit like this that creates a drug dealer/gang-banger/prisoner/serial killer. Im just worried for my future... Im alreaedy failing high shcool... Fuck dude..

Why am I dealing with these emotions at this age. .Why? Why am i put through this. I really love the lord jesus christ. I love him. I would die for him if he vividily and as clear as he ever could told me that I had to die to prove I love him. Please. Every christian, and catholic here, pray for my grandpa. Please. Yall can already imagine how I feel.

How... Just how do I accept my dads death.. It just aint fucking right. Its not. NOt one fuckin bit.