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an asteroid, Mr. President.

Hey Brad, huge birds fan here. Do you remember that play Week 8 against the Cowboys, where Romo thought he made a huge completion and they had to review it? That took forever, and I thought it would be a good time for me to reload my beer supply and take a piss. When I went to go get more beer, however, the line was ridiculously long, especially just to get Bud Light. I remembered from a previous game that there is actually a good beer stand somewhere on the 200 level, with a bunch of different kinds of beers. I figured it was worth the trip up there so I could maybe get a Yuengling or something. When I was going up there, I saw this fat lady slip and fall right by the escalators, and she couldn't get up. There was a huge crowd around her and it looked like she got really fucked up. I tried to get a picture of it with my phone but my camera was screwed up ever since I took my phone to the beach and got sand in the lens. They told me that otter box cover would protect the phone, but it didn't do shit against keeping sand out. That's the last time I listen to anyone at the AT&T store. When I decided to go take a piss at an airport bathroom in Chicago, I had no idea it would be the craziest experience of my life. So I go into the bathroom none other than Bruce fucking Willis walks in. Bruce Willis! I was fucking pumped. I grew up watching Die Hard and The Fifth Element so he was my favorite actor. Even when the new Die Hard movie came out, I was the first in line to see it. I was on a date with a girl and she thought she was going to see that stupid Nancy Drew movie, but when we got there I said "I'm seeing Die Hard with or without you. Your call." She was really pissed at me but I didn't give a fuck. She wouldn't talk to me the whole way home either so I just dropped her off at her house instead of taking her back to my place. We wouldn't have fucked anyway, because she insisted on me wearing a condom and I knew I didn't have any left. I tried going to Acme to get more condoms before we went out but they fucking lock them behind the counter at the pharmacy and I couldn't find anyone to open the cabinet door for me. Fuck Acme. I think they have a hidden agenda to prevent people from getting contraceptives. I was supposed to replace the brakes on my mom's car because the mechanic said they were the worst he's seen and could fail at any moment. I don't know why I just kept putting it off, but looking back now I would do anything to go back and replace them. She drove a 1999 Honda Accord that was in pretty decent shape, but she beat on it a lot because she liked to drive fast. It is ironic because she always yelled at me when I was speeding with her in my car, but I'm like "dude you've been in more accidents than I can count, and I haven't even been in ONE." Technically though, I was in one accident. I was just too embarassed to tell anyone. I was trying to find a song on my iPod while I was driving, but my iPod was being gay and not lighting up, so I had to shine my phone on it to read the menu. I wasn't paying attention to the road and I jumped a curb and hit this guy's mailbox. I got out and put the mailbox back in his ground, but it left a huge dent in my hood. I told everyone that some kid threw a pumpkin at my car from an overpass because I didn't want to admit I crashed my car like a dumbass. Without a doubt, it would be to forget about the horrible event that happened while I was in jail. I had to spend two weeks in a county jail after sentencing for my DUI. Normally, first time DUI offenders don't have to do any jail time, but due to the severity of my DUI/accident, the judge came down pretty hard on me. I wasn't even supposed to drive that night; I was going to sleep on a friend's couch. When I got back from the bar to stay on his couch, his doors were locked. Turned out he went over some girl's house to try to fuck her. I could have told him that wasn't going to happen. I knew for a fact that this girl was a total bitch and just got a kick out of leading him on. She did it with another friend of mine and got that guy to buy her all these dinners. It was ridiculous. He even took her to this crazy restaurant in Philly where the entrees were $75 a pop. I don't care how good the food is, fuck paying that much for a meal. Unless it was a foie gras covered steak stuffed with endangered tiger meat. That shit would be amazing. In 2003, I was waiting in line to make a couple of deposits at my local bank, when two masked gunmen stormed into the bank, shooting their guns in the air. There were only five customers in the bank, and they ordered all of us to get face down on the floor and keep our heads down. Now, I normally don't carry a gun, although I do have my CCW (concealed carry permit) and that day, I happened to have my HK USP compact on me because I was just coming back from Philly, which is the reason why I got the permit in the first place. I heard from a friend that some guy tried to mug him on the way back to his apartment, and I thought "fuck that, I better get a gun." His apartment was in kind of a shitty part of town, but that was really all he could afford at the time because he had to pay off two DUIs. He even had to do some jail time for the second DUI, and lost his license for two years. I asked him if I could buy his car off him since he wasn't going to have his license for 3 years, but the asshole said he wasn't selling it. I really wanted that thing - it was sweet. It was a 2000 Jeep Cherokee Sport, which was one of the last years they made those things. I wish Jeep would still make those. They were badass. My grandfather passed away, and had a rather large funeral of about 300+ people. I had to go up to the front of the church and present his cremated ashes in a ceramic urn to my grandmother. As I was carrying this VERY expensive urn, it dawned on me that I was still a little bit drunk from earlier in the day (the wake had a bar, so I was getting hammered). Most funerals don't have wakes with bars, but my grandfather was a bit of an alcoholic and specified that his funeral would have a bar in his will. He must have spent a lot of time thinking of some of the crazy shit that was in that will. He wanted us to take some of his ashes 75 miles out to sea and dump them. The weather was terrible when we decided to do it so they made it a whopping 1.5 miles from Coney Island. I didn't want to drive that far in a fucking boat anyway. The Phillies had a 1:00 game that day and I was trying to watch it, and would have missed the entire thing if we went out that far into the ocean. I think the Mets ended up winning that game though. Fuck the Mets. Back when I went to Penn State, I was a pizza delivery guy during the night. One night, I was delivering a pizza off-campus, when this smoking hot girl answers the door completely topless and in some pink panties. She told me she didn't have enough money for the pizza. When that happens, our boss usually tells us to just bring the food back and we end up getting to eat it ourselves. Sometimes it works out great, like this one huge order we had (over $90 of food) got brought back, so I just took a bunch of it and ate it for a week. The only thing that sucked was the cheesesteak. I don't like when they make cheesesteaks with cheese on top of slices of steak. You gotta chop up the steak and mix in the cheese. There was a place in town that did that next to this bar called The Phyrst, and their cheesesteaks were fucking delicious. The only thing that sucked was when I would walk there at 3 AM, drunk and hungry as hell, only to find out that they closed early. Fuck that. I ended up having to get this pizza down the road but it was greasy as hell and gave me heartburn. Ever since I was 12, I have always wanted to bang a porn star. I am 29 now, and last year my dream unexpectedly came true. I was in Vegas for my friend Mike's bachelor party. We were staying at the MGM Grand and had a whole night of debauchery planned out because once Mike got married, that was the last we would ever see of him. His fiancee was this controlling cunt that I absolutely hated. A few years ago she actually made us turn the TV off during Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals (Flyers/Blackhawks). As a die-hard Flyers fan, I flipped the fuck out on her and peed in her shampoo bottle without her knowing. I wonder if her hair smelled like pee after that. I once did $35,000 worth of damage to the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. I was 17 at the time, and was driving my piece of shit Jeep Cherokee through some podunk town in Idaho. I was trying to find a Waffle House to eat at because I saw a sign for one a while back on the highway. Turns out the town didn't have a Waffle House, they just had a fucking Roy Rodgers which I hate. Why do they have to put their fries in a dumbass fry holster? It limits the amount of fries you can put in there. One time I actually ran my belt through the loops on the fry container and wore it like a holster, but I ended up getting crumbs all over my pants and the thing tore after wearing it for a few minutes. Shotty craftsmanship, if you ask me. When I was younger, I thought it was just someone playing a practical joke on me. Many years later, I realized that I actually watched 17 people fall to their deaths. I was visiting Disney World with my parents. They hadn't really planned it until my dad was assigned a business trip in Orlando, so he booked a big room at the Dolphin Resort so we could all stay there. The Dolphin Resort pool was pretty sweet, but the hotel next to it had this badass pool with a giant pirate ship water slide. People actually climed the pirate ship and then went through this tunnel water slide into a pool. Even cooler - the pool had SAND in it! It felt like I was in the ocean. I started diving into the sand trying to find shells and shit, but it was just sand.