licked_cupcake

I can see the traits of borderline. Attractive, charming, expressive, persuasive. Idealizes you at first, you're the best thing to ever happen to her. Casts you in the caretaker role, the rescuer, the "only one who can understand her" or help her. Makes you overlook a lot of mistreatment, because you just need to earn her trust! Slowly shifts from idealistic, to crazy and chaotic. Very manipulative, very good at provoking sympathy from others.

Come post at /r/BPDSOFFA - we're a subreddit for those who have been in relationships with borderline personality disordered individuals, to talk about our experiences and what happened, and to process it all. Although I'll say, your story is by far the most dramatically awful borderline story I've come across yet!

Ahhh so unhealthy! He is not respecting boundaries in your relationship at all. His indiscretions are not your burden to bear, but he is making them so. I would tell him that you've thought about it, and while on the one hand you really don't want to be in the middle of problems between him and your mother at all, the fact is that he made it your problem when he allowed you to find out. It is totally unfair for him to expect you to form this unhealthy emmeshed alliance with him against the rest of the family - and that's exactly what it is, an alliance with him against mom. He should not expect you to carry his secrets, that is not appropriate. I would tell him that you love and respect your mother, and that it's not appropriate for him to expect you to keep secrets from your mother. Tell him that if he had covered his tracks better, then maybe those healthy boundaries might have kept you from being involved in a problem that you honestly want nothing to do with, but that he made it your problem when he brought it home, and that you can't continue to betray your mother by withholding such crucial information from her. That your mother deserves to know the facts that are shaping her world, and you won't be party to withholding that information from her. Tell him that you are not ruining the family by making the situation more open and honest, no, HE is ruining the family by choosing to betray his wife and mother of his children. You are not responsible for the consequences of his poor choices.

Then, tell your mom. Then, urge both of them to leave you out of this.

I will ask my clients what is important to them, and I am always surprised about how many don't know how to answer that question.

Why does this surprise you? Most people don't really know what happens in therapy, just that it helps solve personal emotional and relationship problems, and they go to therapy to have the therapist teach them and guide them through those solutions, whatever they are. But it's hard for people to assess the quality of a therapist if they don't really know what therapy is.

I wish there were a way to truly excise her. There's not.

Time. It does get better. Just, so slowly that you feel that nothing is getting better. I'd suggest to just be patient.

What I tell clients all the time is to please tell me what they need from me as their therapist.... that if we aren't clicking to please let me know so I can help them. Did you ever tell the therapist in session that you didn't think therapy was helping? As a therapist, that frustrates me when a client tells me later that our time wasn't helpful. I would instead want the client to tell me then, so that I can do something about it, or at least give them a referral.

Your first line may have already answered this question, but I just wanted to give feedback on this - how difficult/unrealistic it is to expect a client to voice their concerns/frustrations with you, unasked. The thing is, a whole lot of the therapeutic relationship is based on a client seeking the therapist's approval. It is hard if not impossible to confront or challenge the very therapist whose approval you wish to seek.

I've been in therapy for half a year, with a woman who I feel is, overall, a very good therapist. There is one thing she did, though, that I felt was damaging. I still, honestly, resent her for it - I just recognize that it relates to an issue from the past and that it isn't affecting the work we're currently doing, and I feel she is still able to help me with my present circumstances.

When it first came up, I remember trying to discuss it with her. I stumbled a lot. What it looked like, was me asking her why she made the choice she did to handle things the way she did, and me asking for clarification on her reasoning. She took my question at face value, and told me why she chose the approach she did. I couldn't bring myself to push the issue any further than that. I think she thought it was resolved - I asked a question I had about the therapy process, and she answered it. I couldn't bring myself to say "Ok, I get it that you had your reasons, but it still hurt me, and I am having a hard time letting go of the resentment I feel that a very difficult time in my life might not have been so difficult if you'd given me what I needed, and that I might have had more success finding closure if it wasn't for you." I can't say that to her. I still want her to approve of me, and I still overall respect her skills as a therapist even if she made a mistake.

It would have been different if she asked. If she asked me how I was feeling about our therapy or if there was any ways that she wasn't meeting my needs, then, I'd easily tell her. It feels much less confrontational to me, to simply answer a question I'm asked, as opposed to bringing it up.

So I guess that's the second thing I resent her for a bit - the fact that she never asks.