Highest Rated Comments

legalfinthrowaway676 karma

My daughter is taking the SAT in the fall, and she's really nervous. Do you have any tips for SAT test prep?

legalfinthrowaway243 karma

Thanks so much for the details response, we'll work on those methods this summer. I really appreciate it!

legalfinthrowaway25 karma

There are many kinds of abuse. There is financial abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and many more kinds. A financial abuser uses power over money to control the other people in the household. Giving somebody an allowance of money, monitoring all their purchases, controlling what somebody is or isn't allowed to buy with their money. This person would likely encourage their partners/children to be financially dependent on them, so they can continue to be the one who gives or withholds any money. It's abusive. An example: my father never let anything be "mine." My Christmas presents were his to use also, since he provided the roof over my head. So he might give me a nice computer for a holiday, but if he needed it, I wasn't allowed to use it. It was a kind of financial abuse.

Somebody can be emotionally abusive without ever raising a hand against someone. If somebody makes you feel worthless, gaslights you (makes you question your sanity, tells you you're imagining things, makes everything your fault, their reactions are justified because you drove them to it), name calls, isolates you from your friends and family and support system, they are being emotionally abusive. If they break things in anger, it's abusive.

For physical abuse, any hitting, shoving, pushing, slapping, pinching, or anything done to cause physical pain and harm to another person is abuse. Imposing posture and preventing somebody from leaving when they want to is also abusive. These things are not always done in anger, and can sometimes be disguised as accidents or rough play. Some abusers let their abuse show in a flash of temper, and apologize afterwards. But if it keeps happening, then that's just their MO of abuse and not a one-time mistakes. Some abusers will be constantly looking for ways to subtly undermine the other person and hurt them, even if the last disagreement was a while ago. Granted, sometimes real accidents happen. But if you're in a place where you think an accident may have been more intentional, or if these things keep happening, you should trust your gut. And know that no amount of hitting, shoving, pinching, intimidation, blackmailing, threats, and character insults is OK.

If you grew up in a house where abuse was normalized, it's easy to rationalize a partner's shortcomings. "It's OK, it was my fault for bothering them." "They apologized, it will be better next time." "They were really stressed, I'm sure they didn't mean it." Don't fall into that trap. There are healthy relationships and family dynamics out there. But you have to learn to recognize them, and be willing to be alone until you find somebody who will treat you right. I grew up with abusive father- both physically and emotionally. I was terrified of making mistakes because I'd get yelled and screamed at for dropping things or doing something wrong or having my own opinions. But today I'm happily married to a man who never raises his voice, who respects me and loves me and would never hurt me. When we disagree, we have a calm conversation where we express our feelings and reach a resolution. When I was a kid, I never thought it was possible. But it is.

Wishing you all the best.