As someone who was Adopted from eastern Europe and taken at age 4 to another country, well this kind hit home pretty hard. So where to start with this. well by the age of 13 I was smoking pot, drinking, even went into school drunk. I had stolen cars, hammer nails into school water pipes to the school had close down for the day due lack of water. I had stolen my dad’s credit card and burned about £3000 on it before I got caught. I used sneak boys home while my parents were at work and sneak out at night coming home very drunk or out my face on E or weed or both. I once punched a police officer in the face at the age of 15 to get ride home because under UK law he had to take me home to my parents first and It would be wiped from my record when I was 16. I stole my mums car, drove around for hours drunk before crashing wall on country road, I then set fire to it, so that I could claim someone stole it, but being so drunk I forgot to take the keys out the ignition which police found later.
These just some of things I did before the age of 18. But I am not sharing it as way of impressing you; I was very mixed up little girl back then. I had parents who loved me, but just could not understand me at all. I had horrible feeling of being alone and no one understanding me or even being able too. My parents both are successful in business. Tried to help me with councillors, therapists, and so on. Truth be told, they all had solution or idea or way of trying to “FIX” me. As if I was this broken toy that just need bit of help and everything would be fine. For me the things I did were my way of having fun, rebelling or just saying “Fuck you to the world” that as far as was concerned had abandoned me day one. Trying to explain that to my parents at the time who were at the point of breaking which it sounds like the OP is now. I was never going to be understood because I still did not have the ability to full understand it myself. Everyone is different and everyone has their ways of coping with it, sometimes it life ruining other times, it a hobby or times its drugs and so on.
I am now 30. I have my own business and run chain of 4 very successful shops. But I always did my own way, I always will. My parents stuck by me, and for most 20’s we had sporadic contact at best. But over last 3-4 years I have built up a relationship with my parents on terms that we all agree with. They still do not approve of lot choices in my life, but we have found a way of communicating with each other that means were not at each other’s throats anymore. yes I made bad choices, but they were mine to make and I have had learn to live with consequences. It does feel a little like OP wants to make their choices for them in some respects. But I don’t think coming from bad place.
To the OP, well this my views on the situation and hope my sharing of my feelings and what I went through will at least help a little. my mum did try the whole you are guest in this house and you live by my rules. Yes some say it’s a lot crap, but now owning my own house, I can understand where that comes from. I guess that if you give a bit of leeway on the rules, “you give a inch, they take a mile” which from anyone point of view is not what you’re looking for. I don’t think you doing anything wrong. Though I think sending your daughter to “Boarding School” could be the end of any relationship you have with her when she gets older. I know how I would feel if my parents had sent me away. I would just feel more abandoned in the long run, feeling of insecurity and self-destructive patterns don’t just go away overnight, especially in extreme places like these schools. Yes she will behaviour will improve, she is in a situation where its being totality forced upon her “for her own good” but the long run of your relationship with your daughter, well I think time will tell on that one, but my advice would be get her home as quick as you can and get back to where she is loved before more damage is done. I know its hard place to be right now and trying to deal with two daughters is got to hard work. I know I was more than handful with my parents. But Just stick to your guns, and keep teaching what you can. Never abandon or “send way” someone to get help, even if they tell you it’s going to be good for them. Just love them, they’re not going to get better overnight and might get worse but just be there from them. Teach them actions have consequence and ride out what’s going very very hard times for you ahead. Its never easy to adopt and I think you just need support them with whatever choices they make good or bad. Encourage the good, disapprove of the bad
kittentakara416 karma
As someone who was Adopted from eastern Europe and taken at age 4 to another country, well this kind hit home pretty hard. So where to start with this. well by the age of 13 I was smoking pot, drinking, even went into school drunk. I had stolen cars, hammer nails into school water pipes to the school had close down for the day due lack of water. I had stolen my dad’s credit card and burned about £3000 on it before I got caught. I used sneak boys home while my parents were at work and sneak out at night coming home very drunk or out my face on E or weed or both. I once punched a police officer in the face at the age of 15 to get ride home because under UK law he had to take me home to my parents first and It would be wiped from my record when I was 16. I stole my mums car, drove around for hours drunk before crashing wall on country road, I then set fire to it, so that I could claim someone stole it, but being so drunk I forgot to take the keys out the ignition which police found later.
These just some of things I did before the age of 18. But I am not sharing it as way of impressing you; I was very mixed up little girl back then. I had parents who loved me, but just could not understand me at all. I had horrible feeling of being alone and no one understanding me or even being able too. My parents both are successful in business. Tried to help me with councillors, therapists, and so on. Truth be told, they all had solution or idea or way of trying to “FIX” me. As if I was this broken toy that just need bit of help and everything would be fine. For me the things I did were my way of having fun, rebelling or just saying “Fuck you to the world” that as far as was concerned had abandoned me day one. Trying to explain that to my parents at the time who were at the point of breaking which it sounds like the OP is now. I was never going to be understood because I still did not have the ability to full understand it myself. Everyone is different and everyone has their ways of coping with it, sometimes it life ruining other times, it a hobby or times its drugs and so on.
I am now 30. I have my own business and run chain of 4 very successful shops. But I always did my own way, I always will. My parents stuck by me, and for most 20’s we had sporadic contact at best. But over last 3-4 years I have built up a relationship with my parents on terms that we all agree with. They still do not approve of lot choices in my life, but we have found a way of communicating with each other that means were not at each other’s throats anymore. yes I made bad choices, but they were mine to make and I have had learn to live with consequences. It does feel a little like OP wants to make their choices for them in some respects. But I don’t think coming from bad place.
To the OP, well this my views on the situation and hope my sharing of my feelings and what I went through will at least help a little. my mum did try the whole you are guest in this house and you live by my rules. Yes some say it’s a lot crap, but now owning my own house, I can understand where that comes from. I guess that if you give a bit of leeway on the rules, “you give a inch, they take a mile” which from anyone point of view is not what you’re looking for. I don’t think you doing anything wrong. Though I think sending your daughter to “Boarding School” could be the end of any relationship you have with her when she gets older. I know how I would feel if my parents had sent me away. I would just feel more abandoned in the long run, feeling of insecurity and self-destructive patterns don’t just go away overnight, especially in extreme places like these schools. Yes she will behaviour will improve, she is in a situation where its being totality forced upon her “for her own good” but the long run of your relationship with your daughter, well I think time will tell on that one, but my advice would be get her home as quick as you can and get back to where she is loved before more damage is done. I know its hard place to be right now and trying to deal with two daughters is got to hard work. I know I was more than handful with my parents. But Just stick to your guns, and keep teaching what you can. Never abandon or “send way” someone to get help, even if they tell you it’s going to be good for them. Just love them, they’re not going to get better overnight and might get worse but just be there from them. Teach them actions have consequence and ride out what’s going very very hard times for you ahead. Its never easy to adopt and I think you just need support them with whatever choices they make good or bad. Encourage the good, disapprove of the bad
Kym x
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