indigoscribbles

What kind of music would you like to make, if you had unlimited resources and access?

Love it!!! You should do it!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I can't tell you how validating and freeing your answers are. Thank you, and thank you for making the world a better place one person at a time!

I struggle with a repressed memory of someone in my church abusing me by touching my genitals while holding me after taking me into different rooms to be alone, though I think sometime he would even do so through my tights while in a crowded room. I was 3-5 years old, and it was a habitual repeated abuse. I can't remember ever being more afraid of anyone than him, a well documented fear (others remember me running from him in terror). In fact I knew my whole life I was terrified of him but only 5 years ago when I was drunk and the memories started to come back up did I slowly, over the course of two years, figure out the connection between the previously inexplicable terror (I was a highly outgoing and friendly child) and the abuse.

But, I can't remember specifics... except for the ones im terrified I made up. I doubted myself for years until my parents mentioned how creepy he was towards me, how they'd set up a "watch group" of other adults to keep an eye on me when he was holding me, etc. It confirmed my fears.

My questions: 1) does what he did qualify as abuse? 2) he was a somewhat mentally delayed teenager. I don't know how to factor that into my perception and reaction. It seems like he had no malicious intent but just curiousity. Does it make any kind of difference at all? 3) It's much easier to remember things when I'm drunk. Does that mean I can't rely on those memories though? Does that invalidate them? Is this common? 4) I despise that my parents didn't protect me better and opted for just "keeping an eye" on it , and not even very well. Is confrontation of them necessary in my healing process? They know it happened but didn't address it very much or give me much support/validation. Rather they wanted all the (gross) details, which I was unable and unwilling to give. My lack of providing them seemed to lessen my credibility. I dont knoe if thet believe me. I don't want to hurt our otherwise good relationship by blaming them or shaming them. I just want to move on.

Sorry for all this, but you are the first person (even after 5 therapists) to whom this felt acceptable to say. Any help, any advice, would be met by a very grateful heart.

Thank you!