greybeh

I get so annoyed with scheduling right now. I need to do it. I printed an hourly schedule that I used very loosely... 2 hours doing X, 3 hours here for doing Y... and then I ignored it!

I feel like I am resisting this structure but I need it very much. I self-sabotage goals I set too. I used to be very type A... If this is burn out, then it I am a few years into it now.

Two questions, if I may. First of all, I thought I was doing fine but I guess there is a fierce, underlying panic that i am not in touch with until I am unexpectedly of my comfort zone.

I guess examples would help explain this better. First example is that there was all this stuff about drive up testing in parts of the city I couldn't get to. I don't drive. I rely on public transit and live alone, away from family. Lots of people in my building don't drive either. So, I figured that there probably is some solution if people like us got sick and needed testing. I call this city hotline that was set up to answer questions.

The lady on the other end of the line unhelpfully tells me that I would need a prescription first, to be tested. And then what? She tells me I would go to one of the drive up testing centers. I again explained I don't drive and she lapses into telling me I would need a script first...

I try again to tell her I don't drive, and that I want to know, if I had a script, how could I be tested if I didn't have a car... that I wouldn't want to board public transit and infect anyone. She asks if I really want help or if this is a prank call!!!

I let out some expletive at her, more out of disbelief and frustration... and hang up and am suddenly sobbing.

I also had a situation where my mother was telling me I had to go to a Verizon store or UPS store "or else" to return a piece of equipment, and I said, "It's not like I can hop in a car and go..." I ended up yelling "FORGET IT!" and hanging up and then throwing my phone across the room (because you can't slam a phone down on the receiver anymore, I guess). And I spent that day on the couch in tears and ignoring phone calls.

Second question: I came into this full speed ahead and excited to have time to work on home projects that I never have time for. It started out well. I feel like I am on an even keel emotionally again (except for staying up until 2 or 3am). I just self-sabotage on projects and now my work from home job-related work too...

How do I get back on track? I feel like being productive will be more fulfilling right now. Thank you so much!