gottmaninst

A lot of time, on first dates, people are really nervous. They’re awkward, they’re on their best behavior, or they’re anxious. When people are anxious, you often don’t get to see who people really are. They get tongue-tied; they can’t think very well. So it’s difficult to know whether or not you can feel a spark with that person.

Try going on two or three dates with somebody who even seems mildly attractive to you and then see what happens. Hopefully the nerves will subside, you’ll get a chance to see the real person—or at least catch a glimpse of them—and maybe see that actually they’re funny—even hilarious—and kind.

John: I would say that there always are a range of “ones” that you can actually have a very good life with. It’s not just one person. But to tell whether this person is right for you, I think you have to really see whether there’s a sense of respect or affection between the two of you and an ease in being together.

Julie: One of the most important things to look for is: is your partner a good listener? Do they listen to you when you’re sad, angry, joyous, down? If that person is willing to be there for you in lots of different circumstances—not perfectly, mind you—but the majority of the time, then you’ve got one of the ones that can work for you.

John: OkCupid paired 50,000 people and only 200 long-term relationships emerged out of that. I would like to know if random pairing would do better than that. That is something that would be hard to do and maybe unethical.

John: In healthy relationships, people have the model that when their partner’s upset, the world stops and they listen.

Julie: A great thing to practice is look for what your partner is doing right and share your appreciation, rather than always focusing on and telling them what they’re doing wrong. Turn towards your partner when they make bids for connection.

For example, your partner says “Gosh, I’m really feeling tired tonight,” and it’s their turn to do the dishes, take that as a hint. Get up and and say, “I’ll do the dishes, dear,” and then go do them. You’ll get hundreds of brownie points for that.

Finally, at those inevitable times when you say or do the wrong thing during a conflict, as we all do (nobody is perfect), go back and make a repair. Talk to your partner about what was going on for you during the communication and listen to your partner’s narrative as well, so that the two of you can gain some understanding of the times you each may get triggered and hopefully avoid that situation in the future.

Julie: Definitely not. It is a myth that you have to have healed your childhood wounds in order to have a successful relationship. In fact, there is a research study that shows that people who are diagnosed as “neurotic” can have successful relationships too. I was thrilled to hear this.

Treat your childhood wounds or your abuse history as a third party in the relationship. It will sometimes show up like a bucket of cold water that is thrown on both of you. Be aware of when these times occur and talk to each other about what you need when that happens. That way, the two of you can be a team dealing with that childhood trauma together, rather than being on opposite sides.