goatsnboots

If I could give some advice, it's probably 100% stress and time (or lack thereof). I cannot just get in the mood for any kind of physical affection when I've been in work mode for 12 hours, and then have had to help cook dinner, and then clean up, and then get ready for bed.... then I've got maybe 30 minutes before I need to sleep, and do I really want to have to work myself up to have sex or do I just want to relax?

As much as she may enjoy sex, the pros may not outweigh the cons.

I'd also look at your lives and see what you can take off her plate. If she is doing the majority of the mental labor on top of her actual job, that's not something that's just going to disappear whenever you want to have sex with her. It's very difficult to get in the mood when (1) you are constantly thinking about things that need to get done and (2) you feel like you're partner isn't taking initiative in helping you manage all the things that need to get done.

And lastly, are you making the sex worth it for her? If sex for you is relaxing and fun but sex for her means she has to pretend to be in the mood because you don't make sure she's ready yet, then it's going to be a lot of effort for her.

The cliché is that sex for men starts when the clothes come off but sex for women is dependent on everything. If my partner left me to do all the dishes, that resentment really sticks with me and I can't be intimate with someone I resent. If we get to bed and he then starts touching me but hasn't complimented me all day, given me any kind of non-sexual affection all day, etc., it's not going to work because I need those things in order to be intimate as well.

Edit: I want to add that all of this can lead to attraction issues. If I get no non-sexual attention from my partner, then my own attraction to him wanes. If he does not act like a partner in the household, then it's an issue as well.

I have heard that flight attendants get worked to death and possibly mistreated by airlines. Has this been your experience?

It sounds like you are an attentive and kind partner. I hope you guys are able to find a solution. I've written all this out, but even if it is one of those things, she might not be aware of it enough to be able to deal with it with you. It obviously also could be something else entirely. Good luck.

I actually think you've articulated this better than I did. If he's only touching you with the end goal of getting off, then of course you feel like an object he has sex with rather than his partner that he loves. And who the heck wants that dynamic in a relationship.