draynen

Hey, good point! WHY DIDN'T YOU HIRE ME, OATMEAL!?

Hey, I applied for a job at SEOmoz 4 years ago! Never heard back...

Upon further investigation, I might have an idea as to why. It was a job that required producing a large amount of written content and required a writing sample. The sample I sent them is below. I don't think I was taking the application process very seriously. Or maybe I was drunk.

"There Goes My Hero..."

I have to say that one of my fondest memories from childhood would be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. I remember it used to show while I was still at school, so my brother and I had our dad set the BetaMax every day to tape it for us. The first time either of us ever got upset enough to not speak to him for any extended period of time was when he programmed it to record the wrong channel, and we ended up watching Oprah chatting with a slightly overweight, sobbing Midwestern housewife instead.

It's certainly no understatement to say that the Ninja Turtles were a large part of my life as a boy, occupying all of my free time not already taken up by Ghost Busters, Transformers and He-Man. Granted, the cartoon doesn't quite hold the same charm or appeal today, but the adventures of Leo (the leader), Don (the brains), Raph (the angry one) and Mike (the cowabunga guy) provided me countless hours of entertainment, thanks in no small part to my rather excessive collection of TMNT branded video games, action figures and accessories.

I never really worried why a rat would teach turtles kung fu, or why April wore that ridiculous yellow leather one piece suit. These things didn't need explanation. That was just how the world worked in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Which is why it surprised me to learn that, in the UK, peoples' warm, slightly muddled memories of that show are noticeably different than mine.

Apparently, at the time Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was aired "across the pond", certain decency laws were in effect regulating violence in children's programming, which resulted in many changes to the show when it was broadcast. There are two, however, that are probably the most noticeable.

First of all, they didn't call it Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For whatever reason, it was decided that "Ninja" had far too many violent connotations; perhaps calling to the minds of young children roving bands of darkly clad guiltless assassins slipping through the woods and dispatching their merciless vengeance in highly choreographed, wire assisted kung fu battles. As such the term was banned from programs designed for kids.

Instead, they were forced to call them the "Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles". This went so far as to include changing the theme song and expunging any references to the word "Ninja" from all the episodes. If only that were the worst of it.

It was bad enough that those damn Brits felt the need to change the title of the show, which resounded down to the very core of what the Turtles were all about. They were teenagers. They were mutants. They were ninjas. It goes without saying that, to a bunch of six-year-olds already hyped up on over sugared, Turtle branded cereal, they would also already be heroes. Though the titular change might almost be forgivable, if it hadn't been the case that the same decency standards that prevented the use of the word "Ninja", also didn't allow for Michelangelo to use his nun chucks.

Don't worry. I'll allow you a second for that to sink in.

It would seem that nun chucks were viewed as some kind of heinous weapon in the UK. The law went so far as to require the barring of their usage in R rated (or, more accurately, their equivalent) films, regardless of if they were being used by some kind of "mutated hero turtle" or not. Probably strangest of all in this is that Mikey (as he was known to his friends) still wore his weapon of choice for the first few seasons, but he just never used them.

Now apparently, the producers of the UK version of the show eventually started to feel that it was far to "weak sauce" to have Michelangelo simply punching and kicking all the time, while his brothers were dishing out their special recipe for Turtle justice whilst brandishing an impressive array of certainly not ninja based weaponry, and so it was decided that he still needed a weapon.

This is how it came to pass that Michelangelo's nun chucks, two small sticks connected by a length of chain, were finally replaced with a much safer, and much more kid friendly turtle shell covered in barbed hooks on the end of a rope.

I guess every now and then censorship does get something right...

Wait, you're telling me I can fix my lack of stereovision, but I can fix it with video games? That's amazing.

So is there a difference in the chances of recovery of stereovision related to any previous corrective work done on the eye? I had corrective surgery to attempt to realign my eyes when I was younger, and while it did help cosmetically, it didn't fix the issues with depth perception.