danheskett

Paris - First, I have tell you a dark secret. I have two daughters, who are roughly 8 and 10 now. A few years back, we screened Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and I told them it was a documentary - a true story - and that it happened when their mother and I were little kids. I told them we went nuts trying to find the chocolate bar with the golden ticket. I have enlisted a massive multi-state fraud to keep the lie going. Their grandparents have backed up the story and added to the myth, embellishing that Charlies' various bed-ridden grandparents played bridge with my grandparents, until they all got moved into the factory. We told them that the inferior Johhny Depp remake was a "ripped from the headlines" knock off, and they were properly insulted.

The problem is.. well.. they are growing up. And now it's getting harder and harder to keep the story straight. Randomly they'll tell adults about bits and pieces, and I have a very elaborate system of coughs, hand gestures, and topic diversions that have allowed the ruse to go on. But problems.. they are adding up. First, my oldest daughter started questioning the location and time period. Then my younger daughter, after learning the basics of an elevator and block and tackle physics, questioned how you would rig a pulley system to create a Wonk-a-vator. That got my older one thinking about the inevitable gravitational reckoning that would occur with said elevator once the momentum of the ballistic trajectory was exhausted.

Needless to say, this is getting real. Any day now one of them is going to learn about IMDB or Wikipedia and the lid is going to be blown off this scandal. The worst part is that my 10 year old is starting to get just a little bit interested in boys, and has asked me if the stretching process left any permanent damage..

So two questions:

a. Have you run into this before? Any advice to offer?

b. Do you have contact information for Slugworth? If my kids ever happen to bump into him, they might take him out at the knees.

PS: This is not the biggest problem I have. If Vanilla Ice ever has an AMA I have a similar confession that all started when my kids asked "what do you mean this is YOUR SONG?".

Thanks man! Sorry to hear about Slugworth. That was one bad move villain.

PS: My kids would go bonkers to meet you. Maybe time for a road-trip. If you ever bump into two little kids who have a lot of questions mostly about the Wonk-a-vator, you'll know it's them.

Why don't you have any women on your team?