courtobrien

[deleted]

Gosh, that's horrible. Sorry for your loss right back at cha! Can I ask you, do you remember him much at all? I often have trouble recalling my dads face and have to think of a memory or visualise a photograph.

Something just occurred to me, that I honestly can say I hadn't considered before. I felt wrongly done by, when the killer was caught & served a relatively short sentence. There are people out there who run free, and never have to answer for what they've done. Although my circumstances were tough, I should be happy that there was some form of result, despite it not being ideal. Lets face it, ideal would be them coming back to life wouldn't it?!

Thank you for sharing, and I apologise if my posts have upset you. I feel a little ignorant & humbled - so I guess I'm learning something too.

You know what's funny? I don't recall most of her responses! At least not specifically. It was quite clear that most of it was nonsense. I don't think I ever intended to hear them, I was focused on making her feel my pain. And i did everything I could do to ensure that happened. Typing it makes me sound crazy right now - lolz I can remember a few;

-She killed him because of blah, blah, blah... (then later told me she'd tell me the real reason later. scary)

-She didn't consider who it might affect, as it happened so fast. She did immediately regret it though, because she was scared of going to gaol.

• She cried, sobbed, even screamed out at one point during my 'speech' about the moments we'd miss. This was a victory moment if there ever was one!

-The gun was melted down at a factory nearby & destroyed.

-What money? (it was proven that she'd also cleared out his cash accounts in the weeks after his death, minor amounts but she was continuing to deny things, which we found crazy)

Now, about this revenge fantasy. YES YES YES I SURE DID! Great question! I have not confessed this to many people, but several of my close friends are aware that it once existed.

-Basically, if I ever saw her in the street, I would have had no hesitation to attack her. And she lived only one street away from my home at the time of the murder. So i had to walk by her house quite regularly. Her husband & children lived there. We saw her daughter constantly. So I always hoped that when she was released, she would know not to show her face around here. She didn't. She knew not to. So i started fantasing about what I'd do if i knew where she was, and if I could scare her, or make her feel unsafe. It was all a stupid fantasy. Although I was angry, I am not a cruel, hurtful person. And i'd never have it in me to hurt somebody willingly. Eventually i kind of forgot about her. Stopped caring about her whereabouts. Stopped being frightened that I'd see her in the street. Once I felt safe, I stopped wanting revenge. Besides, her daughter, who had the potential to be a nice person, is now a prostitute heroin/meth addict, who will likely not have a shot at a good life, so I feel she already got enough trouble to deal with & is suffering her own fate.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not crazy. Find me a gif or something!

I thought long and hard about whether i'd spell in Oz English or 'Murican. Probably for a good 20 seconds. I need to go to bed!

I am ignorant to the time difference since i moved back to Oz & have no ties to North America anymore - I will have to be more dilligent! !

That sounds horribly traumatic - to witness a death is something I thankfully have no experience with. I can only imagine the things it can do to a person both mentally & emotionally. Props (and an upvote) to you for being able to talk about it.

To answer you questions;

I dont believe you ever 'come to terms with it', but more so understand that it happened and you can't change it. Each day gets a tiny bit easier. You start remembering the positives, because the negatives take up too much space. I was ok with his death long before the after effects of the mental illnesses & family problems were taken care of. I am still a work in progress, but am so self aware and positive that i feel like a new person & that the murder situation happened to somebody else. It was so long ago, nearly as long ago as the duration of time I actually knew him.

Support was virtually non existent. I could not bear to live with my siblings, as I was torn between BEING the support for them & needing to deal with my emotions. Although we had our mother there, I felt a responsibility as the eldest sibling to work harder & do more. Eventually I decided to do me & moved in with a boyfriend at the age of 18. Big mistake, but I needed the break. Anytime I was with them, and particularly if we were drinking, I was violent. Police were involved on countless occasions. Court ordered therapy was to be had! We slowly built a relationship again. Man just thinking about the long journey to here is exhausting!

I have had the chance to speak with her, via a Restorative Justice Conference. Some examples of what I said/asked are;

-Why did you kill my father?

-Did you even consider that it might affect all of these lives, including those of your own family?

-Did you actually think, for one second, that you'd get away with it?

-I hope you lie in bed every night & think about how you've robbed us of even one single day with our father. Let alone the important ones, like the day I get married, walking us down the aisle, meeting his grandchildren, sharing our first drink as an adult. I hope it destroys you as much as it has us. (This was something i'd worked on for weeks leading up to it, and as you can see I was still quite angry and wanted to direct it back onto her in a clever way. I was sassy back then! and about 20 years old)

-Wheres the gun?

-Wheres all the money gone?

VArious other things like that. Things I'd always wondered about. Some things said in spite, others quite valid. But in the end it provided me with neither closure, or satisfaction. Given the chance, i would NEVER speak with her again, but some may find this kind of thing helpful.

I hope this makes sense, coz im about [6] trees into sleepy time. Thank you for your interest, and for sharing your story.