cliffrowley

I have experience with coprolalia. When I was maybe 12 or 13 (I can't really remember exactly when it was, much like a lot of my life I was to preoccupied with my condition to notice) I had a bout for what felt like a few months.

What I remember is that it was the harshness of the words that seemed to satisfy me. That's the thing to remember about TS I guess, that it's all about satisfying the compulsion, making something "feel right" when it sort of doesn't (it's a very difficult thing to quantify!).

Like the ck in fuck, or the c in the "c word". The emphasis was always on those sounds, although it felt like they needed to be profane to really hit the spot.

God, it's so hard to explain. It's like a brain itch you can't see, feel or scratch sometimes.

With regards to people saying they would not have guessed had you not told them, I get this all the time, and I think it's simply because we become so adept at hiding it, because until you really understand it it's incredibly awkward and embarrassing.

When I was young my Mum used to tell me to "just stop it", which further compounded the problem. My (ex) wife used to tell me my ticks "annoyed her".

FYI My Mum now understands (I'm 37 now :-P), and my wife (not my ex, she's still a bitch) couldn't be more understanding. So it's all good.

It's easy to see (now) how someone who no experience with TS could fathomably not even know something like this can exist (especially in the early 80's), so I don't blame my Mum at all.

But it did definitely compound the problem for me. My Mum telling me to "just stop it" and the fact that I couldn't, just made me feel like I was just really messed up, and really, really alone. I tried to suppress it so I could get along with "normal people", which took so much energy and focus and meant I spent so much time alone that I never really learned the social skills I needed. When I was forced to interact I found myself mimicking what I'd seen other people do in an attempt to appear normal, which worked for the most part.

It wasn't until I met my wife (not my ex!) ~7 years ago that I've actually stopped feeling alone. And I don't really feel broken any more. And my parents have apologised for the way they treated me. I've never felt better, actually, which is probably why I can sit here typing this :-)