calypsopub

I am slowly losing my sight due to two inherited conditions. I'm trying to adjust my life and thinking now for the eventuality. It's really silly, but my greatest fear about not being able to see is not knowing if I am about to touch a spider. Do you feel hesitant about reaching out because of similar fears?

As to the racism, my brother is a trained peace officer and a paramedic. A nice guy. But after a few years on the job he told me, wearily, "I used to hate people on an individual basis, but now I hate whole groups of them." He is aware of how constantly interacting with people at their worst has made him cynical. But I don't see how we can remedy that, easily or even at all. We call upon these officers to deal with terrible, nightmarish situations and then provide little to no mental health counseling. And even to admit needing help carries a huge stigma. There needs to be a sea change in police culture, training, and duties.

In my town one was recently discovered. It was a graveyard from the local prison. Most of the people were African Americans who were technically freedmen but being leased out as cheap labor to the Sugar plantations.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/12/27/graves-95-african-americans-forced-into-labor-after-slavery-convict-leasing-system-texas/2364201002/

I went through the citizens police training in my city, and it was made very clear through multiple live fire and simulated exercises that every encounter with a citizen could end up being fatal. One of our officers had been killed by drug smugglers during a "routine traffic stop" a few years before. Most of the citizen students like me were "killed" by bad guys multiple times. After 12 weeks of this training, I went out on patrol with three different shifts of officers as part of a series of first-person articles I wrote about it for the local paper. I can tell you that cops are TRAINED to respond to every interaction as potentially lethal. When a cop says he "feared for his life," I actually believe it. This mindset makes every traffic stop terrifying. The guys I rode with had their weapons in hand if the person they stopped so much as twitched. And as the ride along passenger, I didn't have a vest or a weapon, though the officers graciously said I could use the shotgun in the backseat if things went sideways.

Don't get me wrong; I think my local PD does a good job with local policing and involvement in the community. I liked all but one of the cops I met through the program. But they are trained to see threats everywhere, and to be constantly suspicious. To look for excuses to stop people. To use every tool at their disposal to find probable cause to pull you over if they think you're suspicious for whatever reason.

I lost my husband and my dad within 6 weeks of each other; my husband was unexpected (heart gave out in his sleep at age 56) and my dad was after 7 months in hospice. My grief for my dad was tempered by all the time I got to spend with him at the end. Now, four years later, that grief is practically gone. The grief for my husband still takes my breath away. Not having the time to get used to the idea, to say goodbye ... It's like an open wound.