Susandominus

Oh, because the people I wrote about are not actually married to more than one spouse, which is what polygamy generally implies.

So sorry I missed this! Well, one of the marriages I wrote about, as I mention elsewhere on this thread, did end in divorce. I think they actually were closer in their marriage after that year of openness, but the structure of openness was simply not sustainable for the husband, who is an introvert, and someone who really craves the safety of monogamy. But the main couple I followed absolutely ended up happier than they maybe have been since they first fell in love years ago. I don't mean that as an endorsement, overall, for openness--I just watched them, over the course of the year, really dedicate themselves to reinventing their marriage and finding new ways to focus on loving each other. They surprised each other so much over the course of the year. It's as if they went on some exotic adventure and saw themselves tested in ways they never had been--and were mutually impressed with what they observed, and had not anticipated as possible in the other.

Hi, thanks for chiming in. I was really surprised that people told me the very act of opening their marriage changed their sexuality--in her book about the year she opened her marriage, Robin Rinaldi talked about being interested, or capable, or talking dirty in bed for the first time in her life. One woman told me that after she opened up her relationship, she realized she actually could act on sexual fantasies that she had about seeing other women--now she thinks of herself as bisexual. I was not expecting that. The advice I would give is really straightforward:Both people have to really interrogate whether they are truly being honest with each other, and both really want it. One couple I wrote about it ventured into openness really to accommodate the desires of one person in the relationship. That was the husband. He had amazing experiences over the course of the year, but he really just never felt comfortable with nonmonogamy. The only time he was happy for his wife about a date she had lined up, he told me was after he told her he wanted a divorce. And couples' therapy probably wouldn't hurt for anyone wanting to try this at home; if communications skills are wanting, or discussions generally and quickly turn into accusations and arguments, it's unlikely that something this challenging will proceed without great pain on both sides.

Thanks so much for these questions! You know, I initially wanted to write about how couples recover from an infidelity, and that turned out to be incredibly challenging. There's so much shame around that. But people in open relationships are all about authenticity, and trying to be transparent. I also think they feel a huge sense of pride in what they are doing that contrasts painfully with the judgment they feel from others. So I was fortunate that people were extremely cooperative and open with me. I also love your question about whether it made me question other constructs--because it definitely did. Something that Zaeli said really struck me, about how families are so atomized and boundaried. It just hit me that yes, there are so many other ways things could work...

I definitely do not think monogamy is outmoded. I am more interested in the idea that other forms of marriage might also be making small inroads into the mainstream, via dating apps, especially, which have given openness official and sort of neutral terminology (such as consensual or ethical nonmonogamy). Marriage rates have been dropping steadily, yet Americans love the institution of marriage; how will it inevitably evolve with the times to accommodate more individuality, more range in lifestyle? That's the question that interests me.