SuckFhatThit

This makes me feel a little better. When I decided to donate her organs she promised me she would be with my little girl the entire time. Just the thought was comforting.

There were a lot of really bad days. I never thought it would get better. Now, there are still a lot of really bad days but sometimes there are good ones too. And it's just not so heavy.

When my 3 month old daughter died the surgeon that took her organs for donation told me that she stayed with her until she got to the ME's. She met us there but I always wondered did they let her physically ride with my kid or did she just follow my daughter's body over?

Number 3. That is the best thing anyone can do.

After my daughter died, 5 years ago, I started abusing the pain medication I was prescribed starting at 11 years old. I had a painful bone deformity that could not be diagnosed or properly treated until my growth plates fused in adulthood. I ended up breaking my wrist 23 times, having four surgeries in cluding plates/screws/pins, and being exposed to long term opiate use.

I was absolutely fine from age 11-24. I didn't abuse my meds and took them as prescribed. In 13 years of use I never used them long enough or frequently enough to go into withdrawal. I used them as a tool to manage my pain. That all changed the day my child died.

The first thing I did after I left the hospital was go into the medicine cabinet and drug myself off into oblivion. They took care of my physical pain, wont it make this pain go away too? And it did. For a while. But, we all know the story. I started running through scripts faster than I was supposed to, doctors that had been prescribing to me for years cut me off, I turned to illegal means to get the pills. It was bad.

This all came to a head when, after my husband left me, took my children, and I was all alone in my parents basement, I decided I wanted to kill myself. And I knew just how to do it. My mom texted me saying that she knew how hard things have been since my daughter passed away but that she loves me and knows that I can get through this. I decided I wasn't going to make my mother look down over my grave the way I had to with my daughter. I would not force my dad to bury me.

So I flushed all of the pills down the toilet. I wish I could say that was it but opiate addiction is very complicated and holds on to the user tightly. I have been clean for four years in February. Whenever someone asks me what we should do about the drug epidemic my answer is to decriminalize drugs, regulate them heavily, tax the hell out of them, and pour that money into rehabilitating users.

But that will never happen in America. Our country is profiting from this epidemic at an alarming rate. Jails are making an absolute killing, pharmaceutical companies pockets are lined so fat nothing will stop them, and it's easy for the general public to write off the problem as drug addicts are criminals. It makes people feel safe and like it cannot happen to them.

Listen to me, I was a little white girl in my early 20's. I came from a good religious family, lived in an upper-class neighborhood, and would have done anything for my parents. I was college educated and even had a full athletic scholarship. I was active in my church growing up; I played on their basketball team and sung in their choirs. I had never had any interaction with the law, not even a speeding ticket. And I tore my family apart. I stole, I lied, I cheated. I was arrested, I was jailed, I fucked up my entire future.

I was set up for an easy life and I let opiates destroy that. It can and does happen to people from all walks of life.

Oof. That stings.