Sir_Player_One

I know I'm a little late to the party with this but I've had some questions I've wanted to ask a MtF trans persons for some time. But first, some back story.

I've struggled with thoughts of transitioning for about a decade now. It all started when I was a young boy (<8 years old). My sister would crossdress me (she found it funny) sometimes when we played together. At the time I acted like I was only doing it for laughs (it was a bit funny, but not that much), but secretly I liked it. I felt pretty and soft when I did it. As the years went on, I realized a boy wasn't supposed to do such things, and stopped. With the exception of experimenting with doing girly things when I thought no one was looking, I mostly had and average childhood up until puberty. Once I started developing sexually (~11 years old), I soon got back into crossdressing. It felt so nice to do so. I felt pretty, cute, and desirable. I don't know if I can say I was ever "uncomfortable" with my male body, but I have always found it ugly, gross, and unattractive. It disgusted me. It lead to me being obsessed and critical of my appearance and I strongly desired to feel attractive. And I found that in femininity. The clothes, the hair, the make-up, the mannerisms and ways of carrying yourself. It made me feel so attractive. Desirable. I found beauty in myself. It quickly escalated to fantasies of becoming a girl (whether through transitioning, a freak accident where I lose my "boy parts" and have to transition, or through straight up magic), dating/having sex with cute boys (I learned quickly that I wasn't attracted to just girls), and doing traditionally feminine things. I loved it. It felt so right. But I soon realized that I absolutely had to hide it. My parents would never approve, and I couldn't bear the thought of them shunning me. Plus, I could never afford everything I'd need to properly transition. We were way too poor for that. So I tried to bury it and purge all evidence. Lead a "normal" male life. On the outside I was able to push an effective male persona. At the most people would only question my sexuality at times, but usually they bought it that I was a fairly regularly guy. But on the inside, and in secret... I relapsed. Time and time again, I'd go back to it. It was stuck in my brain like a splinter. I would fulfill my fantasies, reach a critical point where shame over took me, attempt to purge it all, try to lead a "normal" life, and then soon relapse. This has happened several times. I'm 20 now, and am still questioning things and struggling with this. The dichotomy between my outward male persona and my secret feminine one is causing me a great deal of stress, and I'm desperate for answers. Which brings me to my questions:

How do you know for sure when transitioning is right for you?

Am I a valid trans person, or just a broken, perverse freak?

Should I ignore/suppress these feelings and contine attempting to live "normally"?

I'm sorry if these aren't appropriate questions to ask you. You're not an expert on the subject, and ultimately your experiences transitioning are your own. I also realize it is (or has been) a hotly debated topic within the trans community on whether guys like me are legitimate trans people or just fetishists. Honestly, I don't know anymore what I am. All I know is that I want to be beautiful. Any advice or help you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

How do you comfort/console those affected by a recent suicide in their lives? What organizations should you point them to for further assistance?