Hi Nick and Jim, I (22F) have been struggling a lot in my relationship with my bf (23M) due to lack of erotic and general intimacy. We moved in together last May, and our sex life was great and he was very affectionate for the first 6 months. Afterwards, it all dropped off a cliff, and we hardly share any intimacy at all anymore. Every time I broach the subject, I am often faced with stonewalling, snide comments about my high sex drive (ie. why is it so important? It shouldn’t make or break the relationship, if I have sex toys then why don’t I just use those, etc). I feel like he has a lot of insecurity due to his low libido, and he has said as much to me that he worries about how unsatisfied I am sexually.
I will admit, when things first dropped off, I didn’t handle it the best. I would retreat into myself, and would very openly display how much the rejection hurt. It has been a huge blow to my self-esteem, but I have been trying to not let it get to me so much. I don’t react like that anymore, and try to just let him come to me, but that’s once maybe every 1-2 months if I’m lucky. When we do have sex, it lacks passion on his part, and it has led me to feel extremely unattractive.
To try to temporarily bridge the gap in my sexual dissatisfaction, I had turned to masturbation to try to keep my sex drive satisfied, but it doesn’t scratch the itch quite the same. Without the emotional intimacy that is tied to it, I feel really unenthused about sexual pleasure, and it has gotten to the point where I can no longer orgasm. Masturbation would make me feel so sad afterwards, because it seemed to just reinforce how unwanted I feel, and how much I miss how our relationship used to be. So I started fantasizing about women instead of our past sex life (I’m bisexual and lean towards female attraction), but that made me feel so guilty. As a result, I think I Pavlov-ed myself into having an aversion to sexual stimulation in general because it stirs up negative feelings every time now.
This has now stemmed into when we have sex, as I struggle to become physically aroused, and I often think resentful thoughts about how lackluster our erotic side of our relationship is.
A couple of caveats/special considerations: he nearly lost his business due to Covid-19, so he has been under immense pressure. He is also on Prozac for depression, and has been since he was a teen, and has struggled with high blood pressure due to weight gain from the pandemic. Meanwhile, I am a date rape survivor and struggle with depression and anxiety as well, and am medicated. The sickest part is I feel so bitter that my rapist wanted me, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to. I know it’s a twisted way to think, but I feel it might just be the resentment talking.
He has also been exceedingly withdrawn, and snappy. I have quite a few personal insecurities that have developed due to his behavior, including feeling like I talk too much, that I can’t sing when I’m around him, and feel like I cannot out my needs at the forefront ever. However, we have recently had some more productive conversations about these topics after I called him out on his hostility during confrontation, and these aspects have started getting a bit better the past month.
I used to be this bubbly, confident woman who was very comfortable with her body and sexuality, and I don’t even recognize who I am now. How do I cope? And how can I try to bring about positive change for our erotic intimacy, and reestablish my own positive relationship concerning sexual activity? I’ve felt like I’m drowning from this. I feel like I can’t really even trust when he says he loves me, because his rapport for illustrating this feeling with words and actions have been counteractive. Help!
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Hi Nick and Jim, I (22F) have been struggling a lot in my relationship with my bf (23M) due to lack of erotic and general intimacy. We moved in together last May, and our sex life was great and he was very affectionate for the first 6 months. Afterwards, it all dropped off a cliff, and we hardly share any intimacy at all anymore. Every time I broach the subject, I am often faced with stonewalling, snide comments about my high sex drive (ie. why is it so important? It shouldn’t make or break the relationship, if I have sex toys then why don’t I just use those, etc). I feel like he has a lot of insecurity due to his low libido, and he has said as much to me that he worries about how unsatisfied I am sexually.
I will admit, when things first dropped off, I didn’t handle it the best. I would retreat into myself, and would very openly display how much the rejection hurt. It has been a huge blow to my self-esteem, but I have been trying to not let it get to me so much. I don’t react like that anymore, and try to just let him come to me, but that’s once maybe every 1-2 months if I’m lucky. When we do have sex, it lacks passion on his part, and it has led me to feel extremely unattractive.
To try to temporarily bridge the gap in my sexual dissatisfaction, I had turned to masturbation to try to keep my sex drive satisfied, but it doesn’t scratch the itch quite the same. Without the emotional intimacy that is tied to it, I feel really unenthused about sexual pleasure, and it has gotten to the point where I can no longer orgasm. Masturbation would make me feel so sad afterwards, because it seemed to just reinforce how unwanted I feel, and how much I miss how our relationship used to be. So I started fantasizing about women instead of our past sex life (I’m bisexual and lean towards female attraction), but that made me feel so guilty. As a result, I think I Pavlov-ed myself into having an aversion to sexual stimulation in general because it stirs up negative feelings every time now.
This has now stemmed into when we have sex, as I struggle to become physically aroused, and I often think resentful thoughts about how lackluster our erotic side of our relationship is.
A couple of caveats/special considerations: he nearly lost his business due to Covid-19, so he has been under immense pressure. He is also on Prozac for depression, and has been since he was a teen, and has struggled with high blood pressure due to weight gain from the pandemic. Meanwhile, I am a date rape survivor and struggle with depression and anxiety as well, and am medicated. The sickest part is I feel so bitter that my rapist wanted me, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to. I know it’s a twisted way to think, but I feel it might just be the resentment talking.
He has also been exceedingly withdrawn, and snappy. I have quite a few personal insecurities that have developed due to his behavior, including feeling like I talk too much, that I can’t sing when I’m around him, and feel like I cannot out my needs at the forefront ever. However, we have recently had some more productive conversations about these topics after I called him out on his hostility during confrontation, and these aspects have started getting a bit better the past month.
I used to be this bubbly, confident woman who was very comfortable with her body and sexuality, and I don’t even recognize who I am now. How do I cope? And how can I try to bring about positive change for our erotic intimacy, and reestablish my own positive relationship concerning sexual activity? I’ve felt like I’m drowning from this. I feel like I can’t really even trust when he says he loves me, because his rapport for illustrating this feeling with words and actions have been counteractive. Help!
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