Samidare

Japanese American here. Reading your posts reminded me of the difficulties/confusions I dealt with growing up with two cultures.

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your experience to reddit.

quick edit: 今でも日本語で話せたり、書くことはできますか？ or has that deteriorated over time.

Yes I am a nisei, born in USA but lived in Japan when I was a small child.

Some of the confusions were my identity. Growing up I was always confused if I was "Japanese" or "American"

I was 7 when I moved back to USA so by the time I was in middle school, I was pretty well off with speaking english/having friends etc (except maybe grammar/vocabulary which was always short compared to others till college).

Growing up I was never a victim of any sort but I was always reminded that I was "asian". It mostly attributes to where I lived (a conservative somewhat redneck town with majority white people with little asian population). So growing up all I wanted to do was be “American” and be treated like everyone else rather than “an asian”. I suppose I wanted that because I was tired of all the attention I got of being asian. Anytime anything related with Asia came up, whether it be Korean, Chinese, chopstick, samurais or anime people would instantly look at me and ask questions or ask for my opinion. These questions were not meant to make fun of me however, the people were just genuinely curious and wanted to ask me (since they had none else to ask). With the combination of my low self esteem (was a shy/sheltered kid growing up due to being a single child and having to move a lot) and this unwanted attention I kept getting for being “Asian”. I always felt I was American inside but felt people never accepted me as “American” because of my looks.

What confused me further was when I would go to Japan (to visit family/travel) I was told by Japanese people that I am American! I would talk to taxi drivers/restaurant owners/ train managers) and they would all look at me funny because my Japanese would be a bit off or just say things differently a “normal” Japanese person would not say or do. When I get that look, I tell them that I am from America and their reaction INSTANTLY changes and they would treat me like they would to a white American tourist. I hated this very much growing up and further confused me of my identity.

It wasn’t until college when I learned of Nisei and Japanese American history that changed my views completely. In college I learned that I am a Japanese American that I am someone who knows both about American and Japanese culture but I am neither just like how 1+2 = 3 and not 1+2= 1and 2. That Japanese American means somewhat of a new culture based on the two culture. Knowing this really helped my self esteem and found the answer to my identity.

TLDR: My confusions were my identity. Growing up I was always confused if I was "Japanese" or "American". I learned about Japanese Americans and learned that I am neither Japanese nor American but simply Japanese American, something not the same from the two cultures but has many similarities.

(this has gone very very long I apologize)

Now to put the spotlight back on you. I am just curious why is your Japanese deteriorating over time? I assume it’s because you’re not speaking and writing as much but why is that?