Ransora

Thank you! i'll keep at it. I'll try to do just exercises for as long as possible then break then do them again and etc. I'll try to bring my guitar while i watch tv and stuff too (: I'll just play harder than ever now

So all I want(ed) to do when I grow up (ever since I was 9, so 8 years ago) was play in a band and sing and maybe play guitar or bass to if i can learn to sing and play, and that is still all I wanna do. I'm horrible at playing music though. I can't sing, still can't play guitar (8 years of playing can barely get through easy Nirvana and Tool songs), and I don't want to do anything else. It doesn't make me happy.

I also got very depressed around the same time, and had the philosophy of if I don't make it i'll join my idols the only way I can, suicide. And at about 13 i decided to set my sights on the 27 club because I obviously wasn't any better in 4 years of practice.

Nothing else in life brings me joy besides music but i obviously can't play music, so should I stop prolonging it or should i just throw myself away into another spiral of drugs? I did a lot of psychedelics and perscription pills at around 14 and stopped last year at 16, but honestly might just go right back to them because those are the only way im happy now, not even jappy playing music because I'm not getting any better.

Ive talked to tons of professionals and they honestly have no idea what to do, I'm a lost cause to them, and honestly i dont see anything else left for me to do. The only other time i was gonna commit suicide i met my best friend, he came to me out of the blue at a mall one day because i looked lonely.

I could go on forever about my backstory and why i feel this way but it honestly isn't worth it. I need to hear an honest answer from the type of people i look up to the most, what should I do?