RJNemiroff

Fake answer: Actually, we did discover time travelers. We don't want to announce this, though, because we are trying to get them to tell us -- and us alone-- winning lottery numbers. This is the fundamental reason why no search for time travelers will ever claim to be successful.

Real answer: We did not uncover any evidence for time travel. Sorry. As our search was limited, we do not consider this as proof that time travel cannot exist.

Did you receive federal funding for this endeavor?

Fake answer: Yes. We used funds left over from our study titled: "Does Tax Payer Money Burn Any Better Than Regular Money?"

Real answer: No. This was done on our own time and on our own dime. And dime is about right -- we essentially just typed things into search engines. The time travel entertainment industry costs over one billion dollars -- we checked on it for under a dollar.

Fake answer: No. Our collaboration with the NSA allowed us to find even shy time travelers.

Real answer: Yes, we can only find time travelers who make their presence known. I myself make many mistakes, though, so if I was sent back in time I would likely make revealing mistakes.

Yes, but what if my neighbor posted something odd that I had said on Twitter? That seems more likely.

Fake answer: What?

Real answer: You can only see the past. This is because it takes time for light to travel from me to you, you see me as I was when light left me, a fraction of a second ago. Theoretically, light that swung around a black hole could come back to you years from now, so you could very well see your past self.

You can only visit the future. If you travel out and back at near light speed, you can return to Earth in the far future when your twin is much older and no one remembers Pope Bieber.