Psych_Center_AMA

I worked at a hospital in eastern Long Island not long ago, and grew fond of one patient in particular.

Every day, he would come see me in my office in the morning. Every day, he'd think he was the slickest little bugger ever, and he'd "sneak up" on me to scare me. "BOO!" he'd yell, and every time, I'd have already heard him coming because he walks like a lumberjack lol

He'd always small talk me for a while, thinking he was lowering my defenses, and then he'd do what he always did, ask me for $.50 cents. I never could though. Against policy.

Anyway, one day, and this was normal, I heard violent banging out in the hall. A patient was slamming their head against the wall, moaning and crying.

I usually ignored this stuff and let the response teams deal with it, but this time I recognized the moans. It was him. There was blood all over the wall, his face, and the floor. The one doctor with him (he was supposed to have two) was trying to stop him, but he's a healthy, strong guy.

He wound up in the ER, and I've since seen him, but he's absolutely not the same. He did a lot of damage to himself that day. And it was all over a hearing test he didn't want to take.

Why didn't he want to take it? Because the doctor hadn't yet let him come try to sneak up on me. He said, "I need to, he's my friend, he'll miss me."

When I heard he'd said that, I cried. I hate this job sometimes.

lol oh man, I don't know if it's the funniest, but I've got this one guy right now who thinks he's a different ex-president every day. But it doesn't end there. The ex-president he chooses, depending on that president's first letter of their first name, will take on the attributes of a musician with the same letter in their first name.

He walks around the cafeteria area putting on what amount to performances. It's amazing.

The best was when he was Lincoln. It became Abraham "ABBA" Lincoln. Best rendition of "Dancing Queen" by a president I've ever seen.

Haha, good question! It's really funny that in all my years doing what I do, I actually haven't heard many alien stories. Almost 80% of the wacky stories I hear are government related.

The one that I'd say was the best or most convincing was this one guy who came into CPEP at a different hospital than the one I'm working in now. Just before being admitted, I spoke with him about why he was there. He said he needed someone to take the chip out of his chest.

I immediately went into, "Here we go again" mode, but before I could even begin to try to make him understand that there was nothing like that inside of him, he lifted up his shirt, pressed into the skin on the sides of a spot on his breast, and there it was. I swear on my life, to this day, I have no idea what it was.

It was black, small as a crumb from a cake, and it was hard. There was no wound or clear point of entry, and it was DEEP. Like multiple layers of skin deep.

He pushed at it, and the thing seemed to have a marking on it, but it was so small I couldn't tell. He said he woke up that very morning with it in his chest and he discovered it when he felt a warmth there. He was a bank teller (verified) and lived a perfectly normal life. No previous psych history (verified) or family history (verified).

Everything about this guy, including his demeanor, was so fucking normal. There was nothing observably odd about him, except his reasoning for coming to a hospital.

He was admitted, and discharged over night. And I never saw or heard of him again.

Weird shit.

Oh, heya Jay! Behaving?

Hmm, number one most fucked up thing?

I'd say it was "The Bite Incident" -- not a pretty story.

Not all too long ago, we had a very flamboyant and funny patient, I'll call him Jay. He liked to dress like a pimp, always in purple. Always walked with a certain swagger, but in a very feminine way. He was almost adorable if you could forget for a moment that he was there because he raped a young boy. Jay was locked up as a CPL (criminal protection law) because he committed crimes but is mentally ill. Part of Jay's requirements in psychiatric detention is to attend group sessions.

Over the course of these group sessions, Jay built up a bit of a beef but also a homosexual fascination with another patient, Barry.

One day, Jay was on one of his rambling tirades about the government when Barry shouted, "Shut the fuck up, Jay! No one wants to hear your faggot bullshit!" -- to which, Jay replied, "Fuck you Barry, you just mad 'cause you got a little dick, bitch."

Barry then said, in a very sarcastically-seductive tone, "Yeah faggot? Come suck my "little dick" then." and proceeded to pull out his penis.

At this point, the psych leading the group began to seek assistance. Before he could, little 'ol Jay was across the circle of patients, on his knees, fellating Mr. Barry.

Fairly quickly, the response team arrived to do whatever it is they planned to do. In the heat of the moment, and probably out of surprise or fear, Jay panicked, clenched down, and bit off Mr. Barry's penis.

Jay got in a lot of trouble that day.

Barry I haven't seen since.