Pach1no

Posted this recently to a similar question..... Former paramedic so i transported said patient to the E.R. was actually a legit patient but dumb as all hell. Was a brand new paramedic and got dispatched to a call of abdominal pain of a 33 y/o male. The location we were dispatched to was actually on a street corner. (Before cell phones, patient called from a payphone). Sure enough their was a guy standing there on the street corner and he didn't appear to be in any distress. He said he was having abdominal pain that started about 45 minutes prior to our arrival. He had no medical history, said there was no trauma involved and then he quit answering questions and said to just bring him to the E.R. We put him on the stretcher in the back of the unit and my pard went to feel his stomach for anything out the ordinary. As soon as his hand touched the patient, my pard literally jumped back and said something along the lines of WTF. Asked him what happened and he told me to feel the guys stomach. Even knowing something was up, as soon as I touched the patient I jumped back. Wasn't sure exactly what I felt. Guy refused to answer any more questions so we hauled him to the E.R. He was very uncooperative and wouldn't answer any of the nurses questions, so they just sent him straight to x-ray. A few minutes later when the x-ray tech was bringing the film's to the E.R he was laughing his ass off. So a whole group of us gathered around as the x-ray tech put the film on the lighted board. The entire group let out a collective gasp and we all looked at each other before we all just busted out laughing. There as plain as day was an 8" long dildo stuck so far up his ass it was in his abdominal cavity, and by the way his stomach felt it was obviously on the highest setting. The only way the docs were going to be able to get it out was to operate. They first had to wait for the batteries to die before they could bring him to the O.R. It was about 8:30 PM when we left the E.R. We transported another patient to the hospital about 6:30A.M and ole boy was still waiting in the E.R. for the batteries to die. Next shift we worked and transported someone to that hospital we asked the E.R. nurses what time ole boy finally made it to surgery, it wasn't until noon! And they said "ya know what the best part was?" She said they were Duracell batteries!!! I think that would make an awesome commercial for Duracell!

Former Paramedic.Dispatched to abdominal pain of a 14 year old female and when we got there the fire dept was already on scene and had evaluated the patient. So i walk in the bedroom with my pard and ask the capt what we had while looking at this girl on the bed who is obviously full term and gonna be spitting a baby out at any moment, and her mom is standing next to the bed. The capt replied 14 y/o female that has a ruptured appendix. Me and my pard both looked at the capt like he'd been hitting the Crack pipe. I said dude...seriously? Come on man, you can't tell she is obviously 9 months pregnant? Everything happened at once as I was saying that to the capt. He had turned to me where the mom couldn't see his face and was trying to mouth to me to shut up. As he's doing that the other 3 firefighters jumped back to avoid getting barreled over by the mom as she lunged at me and started pounding on me screaming she's not pregnant, she's only 14!!! (Yeah, like that's a deterrent). Can't you tell her appendix is rupturing.??? Anyway, mom is losing her shit hitting on me while the capt is trying to pull her away and continually screaming that I'm a fool and I can't even tell her daughter's appendix is rupturing. And while all this is going on my pard and the other 3 firefighters are laughing their asses off. So while all this is going on the patient begins having a contraction and starts screaming in pain. Which gets mom to screaming louder that we aren't doing anything about her daughter's appendix rupturing!!! So the contraction ends and no one is screaming anymore and my pard just couldn't help himself as he tells me where everyone else in the room could hear, geez pard, you can't tell that obviously her appendix is rupturing, I better medic on this call. Man, when I looked at him...if looks could kill he'd have been in his grave. So as I'm giving him the look he's backing away saying "i think I'll go get the stretcher." So we get her loaded up and while brining her to the unit she has another contraction and starts screaming again giving a good show to all the neighbors who had gathered around the yard. Get her loaded up and get mom seat belted in, in the front passenger seat. Our unit has a walk thru to get from the front to the back. As I hop in the drivers seat my pard tells me from the back that her amniotic sac (water bag) has just ruptured. So i take off for the hospital code 3 and am hauling ass because the last thing you wanna have to do is deliver a baby in the back of the unit. (Blood and bodily fluids literally get everywhere and it is a pain in the ass to clean up). So whenever the patient would have a contraction she would start screaming (we are not allowed to give anything for pain, all our deliveries are natural child birth). Then mom would start screaming for her not to die to hang on. All this noise along with the siren on i have to jack the volume up on the radio to be able to hear it. Normally the medic in the back calls in to the hospital to let them know we are coming in and give them patient info. Well my pard had his hands full so i am talking to the doc on the front radio using medical terminology to tell them we were coming in with a full term female fixing to deliver. I was doing a great job but then I fucked up and said patient has not received any pre natal care. Obviously mom knew what that meant because before I could react she reached over with both hands grabbing the mic and squeezing my hand so tight I couldn't unkey the mic. She started screaming into the mic my baby ain't pregnant, she's only 14, her appendix is rupturing. So i am driving code 3 down the road with one hand while fighting to pull my hand and mic away from the mom. While all this is going on my pard is delivering the baby. So everything went smoothly and next thing ya know the baby is screaming his little lungs out. (He will obviously fit in well with the rest of this screaming ass family!!!) We get to the E.R. ramp at the hospital and I go around and help mom out and then we go to the back of the unit. My pard has already clamped and cut the cord, cleared the airway and cleaned up the infant and had him wrapped up in a blanket. He walks to the back of the unit and hands me the screaming infant so he can hop out of the unit. So mom looks at the baby and says to me(i shit you not, her exact words, screaming at me of course) " Where in the hell did y'all get THAT thing"??? I couldn't resist, i just looked at her and said congratulations grandma...this is your new baby boy appendix. Or should it be appendi??? Anyway, mom wigs out screaming about wanting to know where in the hell we got that baby from? So we roll patient and infant in the ER and get her situated in a hospital bed. As me and my pard are rolling the stretcher out to go and start cleaning it and the unit, we hear mom going off on the nurse that her daughter is only 14, can't you tell her appendix is rupturing?

Sorry for your loss, but I think your mom got one over on you there! Thanks for sharing!

LOL, well I guess so!!!! I'm a retired paramedic, mind if I add my most interesting object having to be removed by a doc from a pt i transported?

A pool noodle????? Now that is a one of a kind!!!!! So I hope anyway!!!