McJames

I apologize for the follow-up, but I'm not sure I understand the first part of your reply.

Are you saying that it seems like I'm blaming everything on my wife (which is a red flag), and I should consider going back into counseling to deal with that?

I believe my wife gaslights me, mostly by aligning others against me (to the point where a few mutual friends have called me and asked me if they can tell her to stop) and by lying about the things she has said and done.

However, for MOST of the lying, I've come to believe that she actually believes her own lie - that she can't cope with the idea that she's argumentative, rude, selfish, and manipulative. To shield herself from the reality of it, she re-imagines our conversations or arguments so that she comes off as reasonable, non-charged, and loving, then suggests that I'm an angry person who doesn't love her and just wants to accuse her of bad things when I confront her with her own behavior. In other words I'M gaslighting HER. From what I've read of your work and others, this is not uncommon in narcissistic personalities.

I went into counseling over this a number of years ago, and it was very productive. I was dealing with lots of self-esteem issues that stemmed from identification with the aggressor. My wife came up, but not very often. After about 18 months of counseling, I came out a better person. Around the same time, she went into counseling on her own, and quit after about three months saying that neither she nor her counselor could make any progress because I wasn't coming with her - that all of her problems stem from me, and she can't deal with her problems without me there.

So, here's my question to you - would couples counseling be helpful in such a situation? If so, what should I expect of my counselor in figuring out and helping navigate this situation?