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Magpie2018324 karma

So I’m from Alabama and I can say that there are many issues with adult/child relationships here. For instance, when I was a teenager (I think about 14), I had a male bible teacher who was 35. He and I would get into discussions about the text and eventually he asked for my phone number. He would text me at all hours of the day asking about what I was doing, talking to me about crushes and boyfriends and such all under the guise of “spiritually mentoring” me. Looking back, that was super weird and inappropriate and I’m so glad I never was alone with him. However, my parents knew about this but shrugged it off because he was a preacher and married with 5 children. I’m sure many people in my church would have as well. But eventually a friend’s mom told me that it was creepy and inappropriate and eventually I saw it that way as well.

Looking back on it I think that my parents would have probably been totally fine with me dating that guy if he had been single. My mom often said that she thought girls should get married really early to not be “corrupted” by the “world.” Their religion, which is very widespread in Alabama, tells them to think that way. However, for every person who thinks it is acceptable there’s at least one person who will see it as wrong. They have an uphill battle though because they might say “oh that’s not right” but actually doing something about it is much more difficult.

Magpie201886 karma

Did any of your couples include arranged marriages?

I ask this because my husband and I both come from cultures with a high degree of parental/community involvement in matchmaking. Without even planning to do so, we did effectively the same thing to ourselves. I told him on our first date (set up by our friend community) that I was only interested in someone who was serious about marriage/kids and he agreed. We operated under the idea that we would do our best to build a healthy relationship that would end in marriage and I think that mindset is key to us having such a happy, healthy, and satisfied relationship now. I would be curious to see if other couples who were in either arranged marriages (willfully) or had a very strong marriage goal early on had the same results as couples who did not.

Magpie201822 karma

Very interesting, thanks for your reply! I think many forced or highly pressured marriages get lumped into arranged marriages by nature of the arrangement. I could see where it would be incredibly difficult to study given that characteristic, but nonetheless I agree that more data is needed! Thanks again.

Magpie20187 karma

Interesting! I met my husband when I was barely 23. However, I had lived on my own already and dated casually before despite the background I came from (I'm american but I grew up in an extremely conservative Christian community where marriages were facilitated by your parents and community). I've also seen a huge number of divorces from my community, even though divorce isn't sanctioned by the church at all and it is considered a sin if you remarry. My grandmother divorced my grandfather but she has remained single for decades since the divorce because she believes God still sees her as married to him, even though he remarried and has since died. Despite that, I do know a number of amazing couples who are deeply in love with each other after having truly arranged marriages. More so even than the ones who married without being arranged in any way.

When I felt like giving up on dating was when I put the word out that I was interested in finding someone to eventually marry. I had met my now-husband before but I didn't know him well at all. One benefit we have is that we aren't part of the same culture and despite the similarities. Knowing that we both had the goal of being married really gave me security in the relationship and I think is a big part of why our marriage succeeded and is so wonderful today. But everyone is different and it could absolutely be that we just got lucky with one another!

Magpie20183 karma

What does the “#metoo” era have to do with this? Wasn’t the point of me too was that sexual harassment is very pervasive and widespread?