Joopacabra

I thought I had a hemorrhoid once. Got some cream and went on my merry business. It started to get increasingly more painful to sit down. I had a date that night, and I knew I needed to do something about it. It was about two days old at this point, and it had to go.

I googled, and found you 'can' pop them. I didn't have a small mirror, so I grabbed the next best thing. The front facing camera on my iPad. I set it down on the floor, squatted over it, and spread my cheeks. Found the little bastard and gave it a gooooood squeeze. Eventually it felt like it had 'popped' but nothing came out. I was thinking that was weird. Pain had went away for the most part.

I go on the date, have a few beers, she comes over and plays some twister, etc. I go to the bathroom and could feel a little moistness in my nether regions. Thinking it was sweat I had to the bathroom, give it a good cleaning with a piece of toilet paper and it came out milky in color. I'm like "thats weird". I didn't want to go in my room and get my iPad because my date would assume I was drunk pooping, so I used my iPhone (Terrible choice). I take a gander on my rear end notice my popped "hemorrhoid" was draining. I like popping thins so I gave it a squeeze.

Terrible Idea.

It hurt. So much. I immediately noped out of that and went to bed. I woke up a short while later with cold sweats, freezing (middle of summer), etc. I thought to myself, "GREAT, I'M GETTING THE FLU?". I go sleep on the couch so I don't soak my date. She freaks out because she can't find me and she's all alone in my room, and we were strangers up until a few hours prior. She texts me asking where I'm at, incase I was some psycho, broke into a random house, and then ditched her. Thankfully she found me.

I go the entire day with my little pain in my ass draining here and there. Pain goes away and comes back. I go to bed the next day, and the sweats hit me hard. Night sweats, fever, freezing, etc. I'm pissed because I don't want the flu.

Wake up Monday morning for work. My right cheek is swollen, red, and very painful. I decide I'm not going into work and I lay down. Then I start googling my symptoms. I was thinking that Hemorrhoids typically aren't this nasty. I've never had one that I've known about, but people I know say they aren't that nasty. I found that it says I have a Perirectal Abscess. Usually WebMD is wrong when you google your symptoms, so I didn't put to much thought into it. Eventually the pain gets to be severe, so I go to the ER.

And they told me WebMD was right. I had a Perirectal Abscess. I wish these upon no one. I feel like I was in a saw movie as my ER Physician used his squeaky scissors to cut into my asscheck to relieve the pressure of the cyst/abscess in my ass cheek.

This really isn't relevant, but I wanted to share the story. I was on some pain medication at the time for some oral surgery, so my bowels were backed up hardcore. I remember straining taking a few poops and there was one of the times it hurt pretty bad afterwards. Doctors said it was likely from that. Ever since then I've wanted a squatty potty but been too lazy to order one. I really should order one. Everyone really should order one.

Perirectal Abscesses are not great.

I was once told if you are being attacked you should soil yourself, and the attacker should run away. How effective would that be if you pretended to attack me and I shit my pants and then tried to wipe it on you?

That's good to know.

My doctor let me know that I came about a day or two late to the party when I arrived at the ER. He let me know I was cutting it close to having a stay on my hands. I grew up in a farm-like family where we didn't go to the doctor unless it was 100% necessary. Unless the bleeding doesn't stop after a while, puking/spraying lasts a while, etc. I typically don't go in. I didn't put two and two together until I realized that when I had that initial "pop" that was all the pus going back into my body (or something like that. I'm not a doctor) and then spreading to my blood. I initially thought I was coming down with the flu. I had it previously and the symptoms were so similar. Once I realized what was going on I hauled ass to the ER.

Now, I'm 30 years old (Granted this event was only a year and a half ago) and definitely know better. I'm finding the hard way when you procrastinate getting something checked out, and it doesn't get better, its only going to get worse (Ask me how I found out I have Rheumatoid Arthritis/Ankylosing Spondylitis (I'm still waiting on my Rheumatologist to confirm which))

All wine to me tastes the same (Each type that is). I can't taste the difference. I was at a work dinner with a client in vegas, and they requested an expensiver (to me >$4-800, i had a buzz already) bottle, and the wine pouring dude lit a candle, then poured the wine over the candle. He mentioned something something about impurities and other words, but all I kept thinking was "I could do that to get laid and make a huge mess when the glass breaks". Then, everyone at the table was talking about all of the different notes and hints of whatever, then it got to my turn. Personally, it tasted like a grapey jet fuel.

So, how do I taste all of the hints and stuff and less of the jet fuel?

I've been saying that for years. Thank you for confirming it. My girlfriend told me I'm stupid and that she had to go poop. I frowned.