Iconoclast123

It sounds like a non-lethal option may not have been the best response in that situation. It was very close quarters (meaning he may not have been able to get close enough to effectively tase without getting stabbed himself, or missing the right spot, or hitting the wrong person), there wasn't a second to spare (edit: one more blow and someone might have been dead), people get tased and keep going if the adrenaline is high enough or drugs/mental illness is strong enough. No, as hard as it was, he did what needed to be done to save two lives. That doesn't make it any less shitty for him, but he stepped up and stopped a killer. If he handn't been there to take action, the outcome would have been very different. I'm sorry you had to do that, but it was fortunate that you were there.

Right before you commented, I was just about to edit my post to add that point - that 'there wasn't a second to spare' meant that one more blow and someone could easily have been dead. I'm glad you said that - about not wanting to change anything about what you did. That means you will eventually heal from it. The ones who don't heal from a trauma are the ones who are stuck in a place of wanting and wishing that it was different - like a spirit that can't move on from the place where they are replaying a moment in their life over and over, in order to somehow change it, when they cant accept and move on (I hope that analogy didn't sound wierd - its just what came to mind). I wish you the best, and thank you for being there.

I absolutely know that you will heal. I can hear it in your (online) voice. A certain strenght and resiliency, and a good outlook, even through the anxiety.

Shit can take years to work itself out. If there is anything I might contribute, it would be this (which I'm sure you are already doing, but still, it bears repeating): Have as many modalities as you can, don't just focus on one thing (like meds, which can be fickle motherfuckers): Good food (staying away from things that affect the brain, like sugar, alcohol, caffeine (some ppl are sensitive to wheat). Having a meditative activity, whatever it is (running, biking, doing something creative like finding an art form that you want to use to make beautiful things with, playing some kind of music, etc - whatever puts on in the zone)... Maybe joining a support group (Recovery Self-Help Mental Health is one, Emotions Anonymous, any other support group)... Looking into other kinds of healing modalities... Getting into a sport that takes a lot of time and energy and puts you around other people (whether its competitive or just being at a gym on the reg). Attending to your professional life, becoming more autonomous, maybe getting some new education or training in something.

It's like throwing a bunch of spaghetti at a wall... You don't know what will stick in the end, but something will - likely a few things. And everything you do that is positive, nurtures and strenghtens you in some small way, and it all adds up over time.

Another advantage of having a bunch of things that nurture you, is that on different days, you are going to tap into different things, depending on what you are up for, how you good or shitty you feel, how much energy you have, how loud the negative voices are that day. It's good to have a range of choices.

Don't put too much faith in meds - like I said, they are fickle motherfuckers - especially for things like mood. And their side-effects can be as bad as what they are trying to help. For some people (like people with schizophrenia or Bipolar 1) the right med can be a magic bullet that keeps them functional. For people with depression and anxiety, it's not usually that black and white. It's good to have a bunch of supports, and not put too much faith in the meds being the big cure (not to say that one shouldn't try stuff and see what works, of course - and if you can find something - great, but it doesn't always go that way).

Do a bunch of your own research also - on everything that might be helpful, and on pros and cons of anything as well.

This has been a bit long - it was all to really express something that maybe could have been said in one sentence, but I couldn't figure out how to do that, so I wrote it out longer and rambled a bit.

Best of luck to you - you are going to find a little piece of what you need in a lot of different places, until you are a different person than what you were before this happened, but a whole person, with something to give to others as well.

Heres the last thing - it's an asian art-form called Kintsugi You will get the idea...

I'm clueless.

You are welcome.

Also look into PTSD resources - formal (groups, treatments), informal (a therapy dog or cat or other support animal).

Good luck!!