IAMAXYWoman

My parents knew my entire life that I had the condition, they just didn't tell me until I was 14. Honestly, it really caused a rift in our relationship. They would refuse to tell me things like why I couldn't have children, or why I wasn't having periods, insisting that it was simply because "God made you that way." After they told me, so many things I had questioned were suddenly clear, but they insisted that I should never tell anyone as they would judge me.

From my perspective, they've always viewed me as a bit of a disappointment - a little broken. I think they were glad I had two normal siblings to compensate for my failure to have good genetics. In other ways, I think they blamed themselves.

I'm 28 now, and that appointment at the therapist's office when they told me is still crystal clear in my mind. It's taken years of self-healing to begin to unravel the trauma from my teenage years. Some highlights:

1. Seeing my dad cry for only the second time in my life when he told me about having AIS. I felt so torn up seeing him weeping.
2. Asking a priest if it would be okay to marry someone. Being told no as I'd be "gay either way" and that I should devote my life to God.
3. Being told that I'm doomed to go to hell by a different priest.
4. Told the first person I ever went on a date with about my condition. He called me a liar and threw a drink in my face.
5. Discovering a letter my mom wrote to an online support group in a book about my condition. It was weird opening up the Amazon book preview and literally reading about my own life.
6. Having my first boyfriend use the condition against me to keep me insecure. He kept telling me that no one would ever love me, but him, and that I should be grateful he's even willing to deal with me.

Essentially my body is unable to respond to male hormones, so I sort of defaulted to female. When I was born, the doctors said I could be raised either way by my parents, but told them that it's much harder "to build a pole than a hole." They decided that since I didn't have a penis, just an enlarged clitoris, it would be easier to raise me female. My body also can't respond to male hormones - so the choice was fairly obvious. I never felt anything but female.

Depends on the day to be truly honest. Some days I'm perfectly fine and accepting of my condition, whereas other days I loathe who I am. Internally, I know that a lot of it comes down to my craving to feel accepted as I struggled with parents who essentially ignored the condition, a religious upbringing that vilified the condition, an abusive first ex who used it against me, and other struggles.

I went through a breakup last year (together for almost six years), and the hardest part for me was that my second ex said he wanted to sleep around with other women. The confidence I had gained being in what I thought was a loving relationship was instantly shattered hearing that as it made me feel like I'm clearly so flawed in a way that no one will ever truly accept me. Therapy has been helping me see that it's much more his problem than mine (he had cheated on me early on in the relationship, but I stupidly stayed), and that's been helping.

Still, I know I am still working on truly accepting who I am. It's just hard when you've had no one but yourself to build up any confidence, and the world can be cruel.

That makes me now laugh too. Essentially I was told if I date a woman, as I look like a woman, I'm gay. If I date a man, my chromosomes make me gay.