Heather_Brewer

Definitely. PM your address. #notjoking

I'm really glad you asked this, because it comes up a lot. It can be completely fine and healthy to masturbate when you're in a relationship. You are the one who knows if you're avoiding anything by self-pleasuring instead of having partner sex. If you are, then I encourage you to explore it. It's not uncommon to have a harder time reaching orgasm during partner sex, because it's a lot more intimate. There's a whole other person to worry about, for goodness sake! And it takes a balance between tuning into the other person (or persons), while also being tuned into your own body. It's simply more work. Now, it pays off like crazy to increase your comfort and skill with partner sex, but it's certainly ok to also enjoy time alone. I liken it to cooking. Sometimes you feel like peeling and marinating and sautéing and damn there are a lot of sexy verbs for cooking!... and sometimes you just grab an energy bar.

All that said, be kind with your girlfriend about what she's feeling. It wouldn't be odd for you to feel defensive about your masturbatory habits, but try to explore this together when you can come at it from a clear and warm state of mind. Ask her if she's willing to sit down and chat about it sometimes. When she's ready to, ask her what she feels when she thinks about you masturbating. If you watch porn and she has concerns about that, address them. You actually have a chance of deepening your sex life together by working this through. Are there things you like to think about or do alone that you'd like to share with her? Does she have things she'd like to share? Who taught her what she believes about masturbation? Are you comfortable with her masturbating? Why? Tell her. But remember, you both need to feel throughout this conversation. Put it down and come back to it if you need to, and don't be at all shy about exploring it in therapy together. Little is a greater source of awesome sex than getting to learn more about your partner's sexual self.

It entirely depends on you. If it feels good, you're not too dependent on anything specific, you're able to connect to partners if you choose to have partner sex, and you're getting to work on time, then you have my a-ok.

In short, no. Anti-masturbation articles are too often born out of fear-based opinions. In fact, masturbation and orgasms can contribute to LESS depression, because of the release of oxytocin, and because cardio helps lower levels of cortisol.

But it's important to look at the specifics of a person's experience. "Excessive" is relative, for one thing. Masturbating one or two times per day (and more on weekends and vacations) is not at all uncommon, and I don't get curious about a client's frequency unless it's often more than that OR if it's causing them distress. For instance, a person could certainly be bummed out by their self-pleasure if they're frustrated at being without a partner, or by not being able to orgasm with their partner, or by beliefs they have about masturbation in general. To your point about the role Christianity can play, I have heard a lot of people talk about feeling something unpleasant afterwards (guilt, shame, disappointment, etc.), not because of the act itself, but because they aren't sure they should have engaged it due to something they heard in a religious context. It's often a belief that's placed on top of the feelings that causes distress like depression. But again, speaking broadly about the physiology, it's healthy. And it's fun, no?

Yes! Partner discomfort with porn habits is very common, and it makes sense, right? It's pretty intimate stuff you're watching there! Read my response to the question before yours, because I would reiterate much of that to you. I also very highly recommend Leandra Vane's writing on this, particularly her article on why to include porn in your relationship (http://theunlacedlibrarian.blogspot.com/2015/06/10-reasons-i-include-porn-in-my-marriage.html).

And take a look at my article on how to talk about fantasies (http://heatherbrewermft.com/blog/?p=94). Most often, people just don't understand what it is that their partner likes, and they feel much more comfortable when they do. Unknowns when it comes to sexual desires are simply fertile ground for fears, because that's the general sexual climate of our society. Sexual stuff is powerful, but it doesn't have to be scary.