GenericBox

I like to joke I've had them all. I think it was the 5th one that I remember my HR colleague writing my name on a whiteboard three times in what could be described as an Out Of Body Experience -- or another time I went to New York, and saw Taxis, Trains and Hot Dogs. The last time it was just yellow, warm and a generally "nice" feeling.

I definitely can understand why people think these are supernatural experiences but as an atheist I also know that the chemicals in your brain are in overdrive "oh shit" panic so you can't trust anything you see. I know it's mostly just dreaming before I wake up.

One of the most depressing thoughts I've ever had was after the 4th death when I woke up and thought to myself, "Thank f!@# I was dreaming, it means I'm still alive"

I definitely experienced some psychological side-effects. I once sought out a counsellor who said it is natural for me to have PTSD from the events. Mostly this manifests in a mild paranoia and the 24/7 "listening" to my Heart. Every little bump, flutter, twinge, anything, can set me in a panic mode that I am about to die again. On bad days, I sometimes feel like every step is a risk. I don't really have full blown panic attacks -- but it usually makes me just stop in the middle of the street/path/wherever. I often pretend to look at my phone to make it seem to others that I'm not crazy haha. So if you ever see a guy in London stop and look at a blank phone for no reason, might be me.

This is probably bad and I hope my cardiologist isn't reading but I went straight to McDonald's!! The night before my last 'death' I had a cheap pre-made salad from the super-market, water, and some cheap sushi. I told myself that if I'm ever going to have a "last meal" again, it isn't going to be some bad-tasting cheap salad.

Each one is kind of unique. Sometimes I only pass out for a few seconds (I have an ICD implanted which acts like the defibrillators Paramedics use -- that will automatically shock me back instantly) -- so have been able to "feel" the shock and its effects. Others I just drop/black out completely.

By the 5th, a nurse told me: "You know the ICD isn't going to work everytime right?" -- so that time I remember thinking about my Mum and family before I blacked out. I get an 8 second "warning" where I know my heart is fucked but it takes 8 seconds for the defibrillator to charge. So those 8 seconds usually involve me knowing I'm about to die.

My memory was only scrubbed after my first one because I went so long without CPR/oxygen so it was a side effect of minor brain damage.

Haha hey I know some people rag on McDonald's but in the UK at least, it's not good for you but it sure is tasty lol. I am a cheap date.