GCB78

I'm going to attempt an explanation of infection, but I'm not a doctor. I work in HIV "social messaging" so this is based on briefs I've had from specialists in the field.

Infection depends on viral load. When a person is infected (but still undetectable by HIV testing - the first 6 - 12 weeks post infection) their viral load is steadily increasing, and it's very active. HIV is going mental, developing rapidly, and the body hasn't started trying to fight it off yet, so levels of HIV in blood and bodily fluids is very high. if you happen to have unprotected sex with someone just after they've become infected (even as a straight male having sex with a woman), your chances of infection increase dramatically. Once the virus stops dividing so actively (and the HIV is detectable), the body fights back. The patient goes into a latency stage, as the immune system brings the HIV under control. Viral load decreases, CD4 counts increase, and the chances of infecting a partner become lessened. It's only as the virus progresses towards AIDS, and viral load increases again, that chances of infecting a partner increase again. By that point, people are usually starting to "look sick". But it's the post-infection period you have to worry about in your partner. They don't even know they're positive, so you can't possibly know.

I'm in that weird space where the anger is very internalised. I live my life normally. I have a job that I'm good at, a loving partner and a great relationship - all the things my mom wanted for me. But I'm still angry about things that happened just after her death. My dad basically checked out, and left everything in my hands. It felt like stepping onto a rollercoaster of "business". Funeral arrangements, wrapping up the estate, all my dad's admin. Then when it was over, a few years later, the attitude of "well, it's been years since your mom passed, time to move on". It feels like I never got to the grieving part, just the doing, and then the expectation to move on.

I don't think I've actually ever articulated these frustrations to anyone, and even just typing them out has been very helpful. Thank you for giving me the space to say this stuff.

I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered. But you didn't "deserve" this HIV is not a death sentence. I know a guy who was diagnosed in the early 90s. Still alive today. And that was pre early-intervention ARVs. HIV is a manageable disease these days. You might not make your 70s or 80s, but you will probably make your 50s or 60s. And the drugs are improving year by year. Hang in there, mate. You've got plenty of life left.

I've been stuck at anger for four years, and I'm not sure I'm ever going to get out of it. Being part of the Dead Moms Club sucks.