FresYESpsych

Hi doc, fellow therapist here with a question about gaslighting. I have a patient right now who is very well read up on this particular issue as a function of his relationship with his wife. I tend not to ascribe labels, especially to those I'm not working directly with (like his wife), but I thought his scenario was an interesting one and I'm curious of your thoughts.

This man has been married to his wife for over 20 years, a relationship he describes as "90% beautiful and 10% troubling." The 10%, he said, is fairly unpredictable, his wife ranging between "minimally annoyed" to "outraged," usually about trivial things. It should be noted he's observed that these moments almost always precede his wife's monthly cycle - he keeps a journal with dates and his wife has discussed this with him. It's only during these times that his wife resorts to gaslighting behavior, primarily embellishing past "faults" of her husband, relying on gross misinterpretations of his actions as a means to tear him down. No amount of reasoning helps, though the anger is usually gone within hours and, according to the patient, the relationship is back to "normal" without resentment.

Side note - this patient is rather calm and really doesn't seem to be easily angered, which I believe has helped him to cope fairly well with this issue.

So I guess my question to you, particularly given your advice to "get out" of gaslighting relationships: what about those situations where the gaslighting isn't pervasive and limited to rather small (though quite predictable) blips in time that could potentially be related to hormonal changes?

For clarification's sake, this patient was referred to me after experiencing a traumatic event at work, the relationship stuff came up in passing during one session and I admittedly shifted some of the focus to it.

Interesting perspective. I suppose I've accepted that, for one, abusive is, at least to some degree, relative to the experience of the presumably abused. Like I mentioned, the approach I take with patients is very non-labeling, we don't focus on diagnoses, but on experience and such. And I do my best to foster a very trusting relationship where the patient is afforded the opportunity make their own decisions.

This particular person is, without a doubt, in a very loving marriage with his wife. While he says 90/10, based on the conversations we've had and the stories he shares with me regularly, I'd guess that's a slight embellishment and that it's closer to 99/1. In fact, his wife seems like an incredibly committed partner and mother to their children whom he speaks very highly of with the exception of these infrequent "tiffs" (as he calls them).

To me, and I understand this is all just personal opinion, it seems a rather extreme response for him to just up and leave after over 20 years of 99% happy marriage because his wife slips into these unarguably unhealthy modes from time to time, with some indication of hormonal influence.

I truly appreciate you responding to this question, it's always good to get a fresh perspective! I certainly won't be encouraging this patient to "get out," as not only do I think that's a decision for him to make and that it'd obliterate the trust we've developed, but on a personal level given what I've come to know about the relationship, I think it's unwarranted.

In my 25 years as a practicing therapist, a good portion of which is focused squarely on relationships, I've come to accept that no marriage fits the mold of perfectly healthy. Everyone slips up from time to time, we all have our insecurities that are most apt to come out with those we trust the most, and that learning to love in spite of imperfections is what defines successful marriages. Hell, my wife and I have our moments, we both say things we don't mean and sometimes regret, but our mutual understanding that stupid things sometimes happen in tense moments allows us to move along and focus on what really does matter.

Again, thank you for responding!