I was molested and abused by my step-father, to whom my mother is still married. She is aware of the past abuse, and although there have been times in my life when I have cut all contact with both of them for years at a time, I now have a relationship with them both. My husband knows about the abuse and has asked me a similar question to yours, "Why do you still have a relationship with them?" so I'll do my best to tell you my thoughts as a survivor.
One of the first things I have to say is that my abuse happened over 25 years ago. It's not like there's a statute of limitations when it comes to one's psyche, but I realized a long time ago that he doesn't have the ability to hurt me now. Knowing that he can't hurt me, and I'm in control of he and I's relationship gives me a power that comes from myself (which any abuse survivor will tell you is a huge deal). An important thing to mention here is that he's not in the position, nor does he have the ability to abuse anyone else.
Another reason I still have a relationship with them is that I love my mother very much. Is she flawed, and selfish, and vain, and weak? Oh yes, but that's not all that she is. She's the one person in the world the most like me. We share a sense of humor and a sense of adventure. She's my mother, and I love her.
I used to think that her head-in-the-sand denial of my abuse meant that she was evil, or that she didn't love me. As an adult I realize it's because she's weak. She's a product of her generation (born in the late 40's), and can't imagine a life without her husband.
As far as my present relationship with my step-father goes, he is repentant. He knows what he did to me was wrong, and I have seen the weight it puts on him. He lives each day with the guilt, and that guilt has taken him from a powerful man to a shell of a person. In childhood he was my parent and my abuser, and he played both roles well.
Do I trust him now? Oh hell no. If I had a kid(s) I wouldn't leave them in the same room with him. But I don't have kids, and I never will so it's a moot point.
To me, the most difficult part of being an adult survivor of abuse is dealing with this duality of love and loathing every day. Not self-loathing, I gave that shit up a long time ago, but a loathing of my parents, for being such weak bags of flesh. But they're still my parents. There's still years and years of birthday parties and handmade halloween costumes and dirt bikes. It's all mixed up together, and I used to have such a problem with that, but you know, that's life. It's all mixed up together, the good and the bad.
Kinda TLDR, the reason I still have a relationship with my parents is that I'm strong enough to, and that relationship in turn gives me strength. They raised me and encouraged me, and they abused me and cast me out. I survived all of it, and perhaps because of it, I thrive today.
FlamingBubba1234 karma
I was molested and abused by my step-father, to whom my mother is still married. She is aware of the past abuse, and although there have been times in my life when I have cut all contact with both of them for years at a time, I now have a relationship with them both. My husband knows about the abuse and has asked me a similar question to yours, "Why do you still have a relationship with them?" so I'll do my best to tell you my thoughts as a survivor.
One of the first things I have to say is that my abuse happened over 25 years ago. It's not like there's a statute of limitations when it comes to one's psyche, but I realized a long time ago that he doesn't have the ability to hurt me now. Knowing that he can't hurt me, and I'm in control of he and I's relationship gives me a power that comes from myself (which any abuse survivor will tell you is a huge deal). An important thing to mention here is that he's not in the position, nor does he have the ability to abuse anyone else.
Another reason I still have a relationship with them is that I love my mother very much. Is she flawed, and selfish, and vain, and weak? Oh yes, but that's not all that she is. She's the one person in the world the most like me. We share a sense of humor and a sense of adventure. She's my mother, and I love her.
I used to think that her head-in-the-sand denial of my abuse meant that she was evil, or that she didn't love me. As an adult I realize it's because she's weak. She's a product of her generation (born in the late 40's), and can't imagine a life without her husband.
As far as my present relationship with my step-father goes, he is repentant. He knows what he did to me was wrong, and I have seen the weight it puts on him. He lives each day with the guilt, and that guilt has taken him from a powerful man to a shell of a person. In childhood he was my parent and my abuser, and he played both roles well.
Do I trust him now? Oh hell no. If I had a kid(s) I wouldn't leave them in the same room with him. But I don't have kids, and I never will so it's a moot point.
To me, the most difficult part of being an adult survivor of abuse is dealing with this duality of love and loathing every day. Not self-loathing, I gave that shit up a long time ago, but a loathing of my parents, for being such weak bags of flesh. But they're still my parents. There's still years and years of birthday parties and handmade halloween costumes and dirt bikes. It's all mixed up together, and I used to have such a problem with that, but you know, that's life. It's all mixed up together, the good and the bad.
Kinda TLDR, the reason I still have a relationship with my parents is that I'm strong enough to, and that relationship in turn gives me strength. They raised me and encouraged me, and they abused me and cast me out. I survived all of it, and perhaps because of it, I thrive today.
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