Dunkelritter

Hello there,

thank you for hosting this AMA. I am affected by Asperger's as well, and currently at a point in life where my lack of social skills becomes painfully apparent.

Unlike you, my diagnosis brought me far more pain than gain. I grew up in a time where the concept of inclusion was basically unknown, and received severe discrimination from education institutions and peers alike, to the point of being treated like human debris in special education school. These experiences eventually caused me to fall into a deep depression for most of my teenage. And while the condition fades, the trauma remains. The effects still inhibit me when it comes to apply social skills.

During the hardship i have endured in my earlier years, i began to visualize any form of social interaction as being war-like. I was brought up under the impression that am something that should not exist. That led me to develop a deep-rooted resentment against other people which was the driving force behind my depression. To slay or die. Humiliation is a fate worse than death, being left with the pain without the salvation.

I am well aware that this mentality is typical for people who have experienced an insufficient amount of emotional care and warmth, but it still is a big problem to me to shift my scope of thinking.

On the other hand, the people i've met over the years describe me as polite and pleasant to be around. I also discovered that i do possess a sufficient degree of social intelligence with skills to match, but fail or outright refuse to apply them, due to them being left unused for many years. The result is that my face is basically expressionless, my eyes are fixed on what i am looking at and i am not utilizing body language to a healthy extent. People describe me as intimidating, cold and arrogant. I also cannot relax.

The main issue i am facing with people is to be constantly reminded of my insecurities due to their mere presence. I am not where i should (or could) be in life, and indeed lost some years due to the discrimination i've faced during childhood. This subconciously invokes anger and resentment in me over their conformity and educational privilege, which results in my intimidating stance. My envy is limiting my empathic comprehension, as i simply don't know what success feels like. In the end, it boils down to two questions.

• How do i re-frame my perception of human interaction?

• How do i convince myself that despite my past, change is possible?

This may not be your specialty as it is more of a psychological issue, but as someone who probably can empathically relate to me, i would value your opinion.

Thank you very much for your time,

--Dunkelritter

[deleted]

Hey Daniel,

thank you again for the detailed reply. Improv theater is something i have considered previously as well, and i will give it a try this time around. The CBT workbook and the community resources also sound really nice, so let's just say you've sold another washing machine and gained a new member.

Again, have my gratitude for responding to me personally.

Have a nice day,

--Dunkelritter