Dr_Rachel_DuPaul

Great question, and definitely an icky feeling for sure! I'm going to do my best to boil it down and not get on too many tangents here. There are a lot of different facets at work in this scenario including social comparison, grief (over what could have been, or what was), and even self-esteem.

So what I would do with this person is first assess the pros and cons of comparing themselves to others. The reality is that there are pros to social comparison (it pushes us forward, challenges us to keep bettering ourselves), but we need to recognize the cons of social comparison as well (never feeling good enough, imposter syndrome, like a failure). Sounds like the cons are outweighing the pros in this example in which case, let's reevaluate the decision to keep engaging in the behavior - at least at this frequency.

Second, I would encourage this person to spend time exploring and processing any grief feelings associated with not being who they thought they were going to be, wasting potential, living life wrong, etc. Grief is a sneaky thing and it definitely does not only show up in relation to the death of a loved one.

Third, I would suggest we work on increasing self-esteem and confidence by highlighting all of the human strengths, skills, and experiences this person does possess, ideally giving them increased confidence and strength to be who they are (or who they want to be) in this world. by trying things, getting experiences and "data" (feedback) on how they work out is how we can step into newer areas. We just have to be brave to take the first few steps.

And lastly, throughout the process I would be a gentle reminder that what we perceive is not always a reality. We are familiar with our deepest insecurities and challenges, but all we see from others is the mask they show to the world. That's not comparing apples to apples....be careful with this. This person may also have a confident "face" they show the world. We forget how we can come across to others.

Was that helpful? I wanted it to be honest and thorough, but not overwhelming!

Unfortunately, yes, I have. I would even say perhaps before the pandemic, but that of course didn't help. A really generic response, and one that is way easier said than done, is take the pressure off. I would love to see young adults and their parents take a little bit of pressure off of "what do you want to do when you grow up and decide that right now at age 18". I feel like we put a lot of pressure on kids to get on "the right path right away", even before college, and that just is not helping anything. I want to see young adults explore different jobs/careers/the world and try new things. See what they are good at, what they like, and what brings them joy. This might sound counterintuitive (our society does not applaud time for play), but I honestly believe it is MORE efficient in the long run because they likely will find a path that is a good fit for them and one that they will be happy with in the long run.

Do you have personal or professional experience with this unfortunate uptick as well?

Wow, phenomenal question! Thanks for asking! I see perfectionism mainly playing a role in "picking the "right" career at the "right" time in the "right" place, etc. This pressure of being perfect, and making a linear line from point A to point B can actually be so overwhelming and paralyzing for people that they shut down and do nothing. And then they beat themselves up for not doing anything, and the cycle continues.

perfectionism -> overwhelm / paralysis -> inaction, resulting in feeling crappy about oneself

Another thing to think about here is that inaction is actually an option. It's just probably not the one people want. It keeps people stuck and unclear or unsure on how or when or where to continue moving forward. By taking some of the pressure off so as to not be perfect and make perfect decisions, they will likely be able to move forward at a faster pace and get to their destination quicker, whatever that means for them.

It seems counterintuitive, but as someone so eloquently said once (don't ask me who, IDK) - "focus on progress, not perfection".

Yes, this is unfortunately (or fortunately?) a common experience. As much as I hear that you think you "should be fine" - and you are it seems, just to be clear - mid-life anxiety seemingly increases due to increases in existential awareness as we age. Many people, like yourself who are empty-nesters, question "now what?" You're established in your career, have the finances down, your daughter is raised...what's next? Anything? What am I supposed to do the rest of my life? Is this it? This can be a legitimately terrifying and anxiety-producing stage of life! So please, be kind to yourself. You are not "pathetic". You are trying to figure out your next goal and your second half of life purpose! This won't happen overnight.

YES! Oh so true! Your insight makes me wonder if you have personal or professional experience with this?

What I would say regarding my best piece of advice depends on where the person is at on their journey. If they are still questioning if they want to try something new, or don't know what that would be, first it's important to explore the pros/cons of change, process some logistics with various options, and asses personal values, strengths, interests, and options. If they know they are done with their current job and have an idea of what they want to do next, then it sounds more like developing a plan and executing it. There are likely going to be a mix of emotions involved, so my piece of advice here is going to encourage them to be open to anything and everything that comes up. Excitement, fear, joy, sadness...all of these are valid!