DarthCerebroX

domestic violence with female perpetrators, because I think a lot of people have the misinformed opinion that it’s not as common or it’s not as bad or damaging. There are 2.2 million male victims of domestic abuse yet in the UK there are only enough spaces in refuge for just over 100 males. Also, 52% men in relationships like this are too scared to leave because they feel embarrassed.

As a former male victim of DV, it really means a lot to me that you are highlighting this issue. A lot of DV advocates only focus on the “wife beater” narrative and all but ignore male victims and female perpetrators (just look at the last DV advocate we had do an AMA. She said there wasn’t enough research to comment on female perps and her organization actually supports the obscenely sexist Duluth Model).

Most people don’t realize that men make up roughly half of all DV victims and when it comes to unreciprocated violence (meaning only one person is being violent), women are actually the aggressors and men the victims in 70% of those cases.

So again, thank you! I really appreciate someone like you that wants to address both sides of the issue instead of focusing only on female victims. Our support structures for male victims are extremely poor and it feels like our governments aren’t interested in doing anything about it.

Take for instance, the Violence Against Women Act. Most people aren’t aware there was already a gender neutral version of this Act that covered both male and female victims. Unfortunately, the National Organization for Women, and its associated legal foundations, successfully lobbied to replace the gender neutral federal Family Violence Prevention and Services Act of 1984 with the obscenely gendered Violence Against Women Act of 1994. The passing of that law cut male victims out of support services and legal assistance in more than 60 passages, just because they were male.

EDIT: Incase people want to see exactly how bad our support structures for men are, here are some statistics.

Men who are abused and seek help from shelters and hotlines- --were told that the service was only for women (49.9% shelter / 63.9% hotline / 42.9% online) --were accused of being the abuser (40.2% shelter / 32.2% hotline / 18.9% online) --given a phone number for a men's service which turned out to be a program for abusers (25.2% hotline / 27.1% online) --were actively mocked (16.4% shelter / 15.2% hotline)

Men who contacted police --were arrested 33.4% of the time --their abuser was arrested 26.5% of the time --were placed in jail 29% of the time --their abuser was placed in jail 20% of the time --faced criminal charges 22% of the time --their abuser faced criminal charges 13% of the time

Men who sought help from a mental health professional --were taken seriously 68% of the time --were given information on resources 30.1% of the time

Men who sought help from a medical professional --were given information on resources 14% of the time

Our support structures are so bad that men who sought help from any of the above experienced a higher rate of PTSD than men who didn't.

The positive experience rate for men seeking support is only 25%, with a negative experience rate of 67%. Women committing the same study had a positive rate of 95% and negative rate unmeasurable.

Compared to men who didn't seek help, men who did and had a positive experience displayed a 40% reduction in self harm, drug and alcohol abuse, and incidence of PTSD... But a 37% increase per negative experience... but remember, the negative experiences outweighed the positive 67% to 25%.

Meaning that, on average, the support men are offered is so bad, men are better off with their abusers.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3175099/#!po=56.7961

Yeah, I’ll definitely consider it. I’m at work atm but can I PM you later on? (I know, I know... get off reddit while I work. :p)

So, just because you are a former victim of domestic violence, that gives you the right to act like you know this guy and claim he probably hasn’t changed? You know nothing about him... He clearly has made steps toward fixing his issues and he hasn’t tried to minimize or excuse his past actions.

It’s also pretty manipulative of you to act like just because you are a survivor, that should somehow shield you from downvotes or criticism when you make unfounded assumptions about people.

If we’re going to look at the statistics... they also show that people who are victims of abuse have a high rate of showing abusive behavior themselves in the future.

So how would you like it if I made assumptions about you and said something like, “Oh, you’re probably an abuser yourself now. People that have been abused in the past often go on to abuse their future partners... Past victims are so full of themselves and often use their past victimhood to excuse their own abusive behavior.”

That wouldn’t be very nice would it? ... Your past experiences don’t give you a right to make snapshot judgments and negative assumptions about people you know nothing about. I’m a former male victim of DV myself and I can understand how hard it can be to not let your past abuse shape your view of the opposite gender... but it’s never good to paint with broad strokes when judging an entire group of people.

People weren’t downvoting her for pointing out that a good portion (probably the majority) of abusers never change. She’s right about that. Serial abusers are very manipulative and good about hiding their abusive behavior or convincing others that they are actually the victim.

This guy doesn’t sound like that though. He became abusive in one relationship and it was enough that he decided to seek professional help before he became worse. He actively works on his issues and while sharing his story, he didn’t try to downplay his actions or rationalize what he did.

She completely ignored all that and was very disrespectful, claiming that he’s probably full of shit and still an abusive person who hasn’t changed. THAT’S why people were downvoting her... also because she got offended that people were calling her out for her statements and acting like because she’s a survivor, that entitles her to make those kinds of statements about people she knows nothing about.

C’mon now... are we really going to play this game where you twist my words around and put a different meaning behind it?

As I stated before, the majority of abusers don’t ever change. They don’t seek treatment because they refuse to even acknowledge their abusive behavior..

So what I’m saying is this... Somebody like the guy above who has enough self awareness to recognize his abusive behavior, acknowledge the harm he caused his partner, seek professional help and work on his issues... They don’t deserve to be treated like shit and called a liar when opening up about his issues. They guy wasn’t posting his story here to get validation or praise from others. He wasn’t trying to get brownie points from anyone or anything like that.

He shared his story In the hopes of helping others and maybe convincing people who think they might be abusive to get help and seek treatment for their issues. He was trying to share a perspective that might help others understand how people can become violent or abusive in their relationships. He was willing to open up and talk about his own bad behavior because he wanted people to learn from his mistakes... He was trying to use his example to make a positive change.

So when someone is willing to come forward and admit their wrong doings and try to help others... you think he should be treated like shit because of it?.. Is that what you’re saying? ... You know, it is possible to condemn a person’s past abusive behavior while still recognizing the change they made and appreciating the fact that they want to use their mistakes to help others going forward.