Convivialitea

In the book “Childhood Disrupted”, the author reviews research that shows that a brain network called the default mode network (DMN) is disrupted in individuals who experienced chronic stress as a child (which would be most neurodivergent children) and the DMN is what establishes the feeling of a sense of self.

The more disrupted the DMN, the more the individual lacked a sense of self.

Even more interestingly, DMN disruptions are also well documented in ADHD, though I’m not sure how closely that’s been studied alongside the sense of self.

In any event, what that research implies is that the sense of self isn’t an illusion so much as it is a state of perception enabled my a healthy DMN.

A healthy DMN allows the brain to work in unison, so your intuition is pretty spot-on there.

The way that I think about a “true self” is my brain functioning in a healthy, adaptive way, relatively free of inhibitions. I at least want my thoughts to be uninhibited, so that I know what the “natural” me would do, if given the chance. And then I can also use logic and planning, which are still parts of my whole self, to decide what I will do in a way that balances short term and long term values.

Trauma healing plays a big role in that, especially the kind of full-nervous-system re-attunement that activates the built-in stabilizing abilities, and gradually de-activates fight/flight/freeze/fawn.

Which sounded kind of “woowoo” new agey to me at first, but there’s actually a LOT of research on nervous system regulation, it’s fascinating

My partner had been diagnosed as a kid, and as a teenager/young adult I was really dismissive of that diagnosis because of how stereotyped everything that I’d read/seen about autism was—and I was a devout devourer of psychological knowledge!

Fortunately my partner shared how hurtful that was personally, ie “I feel invalidated when you reject this thing that I think explains my challenges.”

That helped me get out of my head (thinking I was being “encouraging”) and into a state of “okay, I want to understand more”.

Part of why I’d dismissed some of his experiences as being due to autism is “well I do that exact thing and I’m not autistic” 😅

So yeah fast forward and I’m totally also autistic.

All the biases and hang ups that Devon describes in Unmasking Autism were things I needed to work through—learning what autism actually is, finding out how messy and reductive a lot of the science has been, seeing the ways that psychiatry has consistently failed this group of people who can clearly articulate their own experiences, seeing the high crossover with ADHD (which I had previously self-diagnosed as an adult), and ultimately coming to terms with being disabled.

So sharing that book in a soft way, like, “this has a lot of advice that works for anyone, whether you’re autistic or not, and it would mean a lot to me if you read it” could be a good way to gently broach the topic—if, to Devon’s point, they’re really willing to listen and rethink their biases.

My mom is probably a very masked autistic and she is probably not willing to rethink her biases. :/ As someone said to me this week, “someone can only know you as well as they know themselves.”

Something that’s especially challenging for a lot of people, and especially when sensitive folks are involved, is having reliable self-regulation and co-regulation of emotions. Children need emotional support, not just physical and practical support, and a lot of conventional wisdom actually undermines emotional support. Especially when emotions look differently with autism, it’s especially important as a parent to be on top of your own triggers and stress and as perceptive to your child as possible.

Some great books on the topic, in my best effort at prioritization, are: Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté Running on Empty by Dr Jonice Webb Burnout by Emily Nagoski

I’ve also heard good things about support groups for “gentle parenting” aka “responsive parenting”

The important thing is that “good enough” is great, since there’s definitely no such thing as perfect parenting ❤️

From the perspective of understanding panic attacks, it’s probability a “yes, and” situation. Both trauma and autism can contribute to panic attacks. So it’s helpful to understand both.

Let’s say you often have a panic attack while on the bus. Maybe it’s sensory overload at the noise/rumble of the bus. Maybe it’s triggered trauma of being in a vehicle you don’t control, from prior PTSD or CPTSD. Or maybe it’s both—so you could try noise cancelling headphones and a comforting fidget to see if that helps with the sensory piece, and also look at trauma treatments if there’s still anxiety.

More often than not, they’ll be deeply intertwined.

I’ve been eagerly awaiting the book release and am almost finished with it!

Especially as someone who’s always been hyper-verbal, hyper-expressive, relatively femme expressing, and extremely masked, it is a massive relief to be learning so much about who I really am.

My most important question is: where did you get the shirt in your picture? 🤩