Highest Rated Comments


ChristeneLozano776 karma

Great question, and a very common one when there is a discrepancy in sexual desire, sexual arousal, and interest in the frequency of sex. One thing that I think can be really helpful is to get a very thorough understanding of what "lower libido" means for that partner. Oftentimes, that term used as a blanket statement. Perhaps they aren't super interested in intercourse, but they enjoy certain types of touch and kissing. Perhaps they don't enjoy giving oral sex as much as receiving. There's often a ranking people have of what activities they enjoy over others, even though the ranking may be subtle.

What oftentimes happens for the partner that has less interest in certain sexual activity is that it all gets clumped together under the same umbrella. They may have been interested in certain activities before, but if it was then expected that those activities "should" lead to other activities, then they typically close off to most forms of sexual and sometimes even physical intimacy due to fear of it "having" to lead to more.

For instance, maybe a partner did enjoy caressing parts of the body and kissing, but then it became a pattern that those activities were expected to lead to intercourse. Instead of enjoying the caressing and kissing on their own, now the partner is reluctant/turned off by those activities because they have become tied to intercourse when they want to be able to enjoy caressing and kissing sometimes without leading to other things.

Many of the clients I work with who describe having less interest in sexual activity from their partner typically express a sense of relief when intercourse (or other specific activities) are intentionally off the table for a period of time so that each partner can enjoy other sexual activities without the pressure and expectation that it should lead to intercourse. When there is open dialogue and an agreement that certain activities are off the table for a period of time, it can allow the partner who has less interest in sex to feel more freedom to explore other ways to be sexual and physical.

Hope this helps!

ChristeneLozano254 karma

Thank you for your vulnerable question. Since it's from a throwaway account, I think your question might end up getting deleted once you delete the account, so I'll summarize your question in my response so that future readers have a sense of what is being asked.

Being 34 and never having sex can be challenging for many reasons. I'd be curious if by sex, you mean intercourse specifically or all forms of partnered sex (e.g., giving/receiving oral sex, mutual masturbation, sex toys with/on others, etc). If you have engaged in some of these other behaviors but not intercourse specifically, then technically, you actually have had sex. I know it may feel like other forms of sex arent's as valuable as intercourse, at the same time, they are all sex just manifesting in different activities.

It could be helpful to reflect on constraints that may have gotten in the way of you being more sexual than you have been just to better understand within yourself what may be contributing to that. For instance, is there anxiety being sexual with yourself (e.g, masturbation), or minimal to no anxiety with that but concerns with partnered sex? How we view ourselves sexually and our relationship to our bodies has a huge impact on how we show up sexually with others. Not in a blaming way of yourself, but more so to better understand the context of what has been happening for you. Understandably, the more time goes on, the more anxiety there can be (e.g., the feedback loop you mentioned).

Hope this helps!

ChristeneLozano226 karma

That sounds challenging for both of you. I imagine there's some sadness, frustration, and maybe some confusion for you. I would be curious what may be happening for her, as there's a difference between feeling neutral about sex (e.g. "I can take it or leave it") vs an aversion to it (e.g., "Ew, get sex away from me"). There's also a difference between someone not being interested in certain sexual activities or less interested in partnered sex, but more comfortable with masturbating. Depending on what may be happening for her would help determine how to best go about it. She may or may not be fully aware of what the constraints are for her, which would be natural and understandable if she hasn't reflected on it within herself.

It could also be helpful to better understand what it is about Fridays at noon that work best for her, as that is a very specific day and time. Are her stressors and anxieties typically a bit lower during that time? Factors had her decide that time feels the best for her.

It sounds cliche, but communication is so essential. Similar to what u/LawBird33101 mentioned, it'll be very challenging to make solid movement around this if you both aren't effectively communicating about it.

Hope this helps!

ChristeneLozano183 karma

I'm glad you're both communicating about it - that's so important. It does add an extra layer when it's not only sexual intimacy that is not desired, but physical intimacy as well. "Intimacy battery" is a great term for that - it can get drained. One refection question to ask self: Are there any ways that my "intimacy battery" gets recharged? This can be anything, doesn't need to be physical or sexual in nature (e.g., partner cooking dinner with me, going on a bike ride together, having our own solitude time).

Hope this helps!

ChristeneLozano149 karma

Medication can definitely impact one's hormones and physiology.

Our society highlights orgasms as being one of the main determining factors of whether a sexual experience is “successful”. This can add unnecessary judgment and anxiety for both of you. Shifting the narrative away from orgasm being the goal can be really helpful and liberating. And in case this is a concern for you as it is for many: Her not orgasming is not a reflection on you as a person. This doesn't make you any less of a person (or man, if you identify as male).

Pleasure is in the process of sex: the anticipation, the teasing, the touch, the taste, the visual, the dirty talk, the passion, the eroticism. Hopefully, you both can drop into your body and find what feels pleasurable. Pleasure may or may not end up in orgasm.

When you remove orgasm as the goal, you can tune into the process - the process of play, exploration, and pleasure. Orgasm is just a juicy bonus.

Hope this helps!