Carol_Covelli

That is a great question!! Thank you for asking! In my experience, there are many challenges that women in midlife face that are overlooked. The symptoms women feel during perimenopause and menopause are often overlooked or there is a "just deal with it" orientation. Some women very much struggle with perimenopause and menopause and can feel dismissed, sadly, even by medical professionals (I have had clients tell me). Along those lines, women are also feeling overlooked when they have symptoms of perimenopause and menopause and are not evaluated for other causes (i.e. hypothyroidism), that have similar symptoms.

I also feel people don't understand that many women in midlife are juggling caring for their children and their parents (i.e. the sandwich generation), as well as work, etc. Women are usually looked to care for their parents and sometimes even their spouses parents. It's alot of stress to do the hands-on care as well as finding the appropriate services.

Also, the care of women's sexual health in midlife does not receive the attention (on a macro level) that their male counterparts receive.

What do you think?

Hello and thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you have been a tremendous support for your wife. I'm sorry that perimenopause has intensified her mood and that it has been more difficult for you to navigate. I am very glad to hear that she is seeing a mental health professional (I'm not sure if she is seeing a therapist or psychiatrist).

If she is seeing a therapist, do you think she would be at all open to having you sit in on a session? Not a couples session per se, but a session to discuss your concerns and work together with the therapist to identify actions, techniques or processes to manage when this situation occurs.

I assumed with my last paragraph that the situation isn't physical. If she is physically acting out, then if she is only seeing a therapist, she may need additional intervention from her GYN or to see a psychiatrist. If this is the case, I would also encourage you to see an individual therapist during this time as well.

If this is not the case, then maybe even seeing a couples therapist in addition to her therapy. You can always see an individual therapist as well.

I also wonder if she has negative experiences or trauma in her history that may be unresolved. This can contribute to how the physiological changes with perimenopause are affecting her mood.

I'm sorry to hear this is happening for you! Unfortunately, having mood shifts and irritability is common when the hormone shifts occur. I'm am glad you posted here. I see coping skills on two levels. The first are coping skills to help you in the moment when the irritability is occurring. The other are skills that are more life adjustments, to help lower the chances of getting to a place of irritability.

I would want to know for sure what your lifestyle is. Are you pushing yourself alot? Do you juggle multiple responsibilities? Do you typically take time out for yourself?

The best thing you can do in the moment of feeling those irritable feelings is to breathe. Take a long slow deep breath for 4 counts, hold for two and exhale for 4 and hold for 2. Repeat it one more time. This will help engage your parasympathetic nervous system (the calming response).

On a more lifestyle scale, taking a break, mindfulness, and meditation all can help. Taking a walk (for pleasure or fitness). It is also important to allow yourself a healthy outlet for irritability. Even journaling or just jotting down in the moment that you're feeling irritable.

Have you tried these before?

If you feel the mood swings are too much, I would encourage you to see your doctor or therapist to help.

Sure! Do you mean symptoms of perimenopause? Symptoms include night sweats, hot flashes, irregular periods, heavy bleeding (please see a GYN about this, it can be an indicator of a more serious issue), fatigue, decrease or loss of libido, vaginal dryness, sleep disturbance (in addition to the night sweats), irritability, mood swings, anxiety, depression. This may not be the entire list and women may experience some, but not all of these symptoms. They also can have varying degrees of symptoms as well.

This is a great question and I love that you mentioned a few of the things you enjoy. There is truth in what your sister is saying. During perimenopause, hormones become dysregulated as they decrease with aging and as we are ending our ability to bear children.

There are options available with respect to hormone replacement therapy, bioidentical hormone replacement therapy, or even hormone-based cream to help with lubrication. When the time comes, a qualified doctor can evaluate and see if you are a candidate for any kind of hormone therapy.

Can other things dictate decrease libido? The quality of the relationship can contribute to this, too. If the hormones are decreasing and you don't have a healthy relationship or you're not happy in your relationship, your unhappiness can be intensified. Even a woman who isn't in perimenopause can be turned off if they no longer feel connected to their partner.